Went to Nilai Memorial Park yesterday to visit daddy after work.
The sky wasn’t sunny, not at all.
It was cloudy all the way and I like it that way, I thought I can just sit beside daddy and not do anything, not think of anything.
Just sit and enjoy the wind.

Prayed at the temple before looking for dad, that’s what my mom always do every year.
And every year we do not know exactly the location of daddy because we always cant seem to remember the number lot.
Forever searching for it and of course, this time too.
In fact, even worse cause I cant remember as clearly as my mom.

Tried looking for it at the first piece of land but nope, just doesn’t feel like it.
Went over to the second piece of land.
We both searched high and low. I was feeling anxious.
I cant seem to find my dad. I was looking all around and I feel so goddamn lost for a moment.
Like a lost kid looking for parent. But indeed I am, just in a different way.

I thought I saw dad’s, I ran to it only to find out I was wrong.
I was so upset I couldn’t find my dad.
Then I look further and I ran again and there he is.
I stood there stoning. A mixture of intense happiness and sadness mix together.
So happy that I finally found him yet so sad, I’m standing in front of a grave.
I just stand there crying while the rain starts pouring. Exactly at the same time.

What a scene. Looked for Ben to tell him I found daddy.
Start lighting up joss stick and burning while it continues to rain.
Suddenly, it just seems so sad. And it’s just so hard to burn everything while it rains.
Cant help but cry and cry in front of daddy. Never dare cry in front of family whenever I visit daddy, I’m afraid they might get upset too.
Sometimes it’s just so hard to hold back my tears, that’s why I keep asking my mom when can I actually eat so that I get distracted.

I wish to sit there for a while but not able to, thanks to the rain.
*
Thanks for bringing me, it means so much.
Thanks for taking the time and effort. Thanks for going to such a place with me.
Hope daddy likes you.

But before that, hope my very-cool-mummy likes you first.