Warning: Make sure you want to read all of that because for those who already hate me, you might hate me more.
I want to put down all my thoughts here today. I always write down my feelings be it happy or sad, but mostly is the latter. I feel more relieve when I put everything down on my book or on a piece of paper, and now sometimes my blog.
This morning as I was taking bus to work, so many things cross my mind and I want to pen type it out. But now I’m stuck.. I’ll just type whatever that comes into my mind first, so this might be a very messy post.
This afternoon I saw a family of 4 talking happily to each other. The girl is laughing and talking to her dad. I was staring at them for the longest time and I thought to myself, shouldn’t I be in that situation? Where’s my dad when I need him so much? I rather have him being here and scold me for dating so early than not to have him at all. I always look at those girls who talk so happily to their dad, who play with their dad, who get to hold their dads’ hand. How I wish I can do all this.
Every time I look at all these, I couldn’t hold back my tears.
How I wish I can run to him and hug him, and tell him that I’m so so so heart broken and have him pat my head like he used to. He didn’t even appear in my dreams lately. Dad, where have you gone? Please, at least come into my dreams. : (
I think of getting marry at a very young age. I will always smile when I know dad will be there to walk me down the aisle. I know I’m not a Christian, but that is what is shown on the Tv. Tv influence me a lot. But after dad is gone, I always ask myself, who us going to walk me down the aisle and tell my love one to take care of me for the rest of my life.
Don’t be so lazy dad, come into my dreams. I miss you very much.
I have a dream. I’ve this dream since I’m 9 years old. My ambition.
I want to be a fashion designer. I thought dad will send me to oversea so that I can fulfill my dream. But instead, I’m doing mass comm now.
How about my dream then? I will still go for it, although I’m not sure if I can.
I always doubt my abilities. I hope everything turns out the same as my plan.
I want to concentrate in my studies now and get my degree. Work work and work to find money and I will use that money to go study fashion design. This is so not easy.
But I always remember what my dad told me. Education is very very important. I can see it in his eyes that he wish to study so much and he is smart, but he do not have the chance to do so. I will do it for him. And he always say, as long as I do my best then its alright.
I want to let him know that his girl is doing good. Is getting a degree in two years time and mom will be there when I graduate. : (
I’m not as smart as my brother is but I will try my very best.
He also always tell us not to waste. Sometimes I do waste, but I want to waste my own money and not other people’s money. I want to use my hard earn money to buy the things I like.
I want to use 3 thousand to buy myself a laptop and I don’t want to use 3 thousand to buy myself a branded bag. I do not want anyone else to buy me branded stuff either.
You know, sometimes people just talk as if it is a yes but where as they are crapping.
One thing I agree on what my friend say is, ‘I look up on people who use his hard earn money to buy himself a kancil and I look down on people who use his dad’s money to get himself a BMW.’
What is there to be proud of? All that bloody money is not even yours, my friend. Stop using your parent’s god damn money to feed your wants, and worst still your partner’s wants. I see so many people are like this and I pity their parents.
And some of them even wanna tell me craps that their parents work very hard this and that, and the next thing you see is they are spending money as if their parents open a bank.
Some are even worst. They sound so saint and all, telling you their religion and beliefs and what next? They go against the religion. What is this my friend? Do let me know because I can’t figure this out. Why want to say other people is wrong because this and that and this and that whereas you yourself is going against what you belief? Why always other people is the wrong one? Why you never try to understand other people? Why you never give a chance to other people to speak up their feeling and try to understand them? Why?
Is that what you belief in? Not giving a second chance?
Why wanna say other people is wrong when you are not even in the situation when things happen? Why only blame on one side? Why be so unfair? What if its you in that situation? Have you even think of other people who you think is always wrong? Don’t listen to one side of the story. Listen to both side only then you make the judgment. Is it that you have never encounter this and that is why? Most likely yes.
Why do you hate me? What wrong have I done? Why you never answer me this question before? Why am I always the one to be blame? Why me? Why when you people are wrong, nobody blames you? Why is it always the other way round?
I am human, I make mistakes. Don’t you make mistakes too? What if you were never given that second chance?
I love and I hate. I am not perfect. I have my flaws but I do not want to hide them. I do not want to cover up my flaws.
I admit what I’ve done wrong, I say sorry and I mean it. I do not want to hide my feelings and I try to tell the truth, try to be straightforward. But guess what, it is better to lie than to tell the truth. I want to be honest but end up bombarded by people.
So now, it is better to cover up my flaws? To hide and to cheat? Why want to cover up and lie? Why can’t I just be myself and tell the truth? Is it that the world will be prettier with all the lies? Just like how a girl will be prettier with all the lies, all the make ups that cover up all the flaws.
Why wanna hide?
Yes, my nose is not sharp and just be it. My skin is like this and I do not want to put on foundation to hide it, just be it. My eyelash is that long only and I do not want to put on fake eyelashes, just be it.
No no, I do make up, don’t get me wrong. I of course want to look pretty once in a while. But what the heck, I do not put on make up e-v-e-r-y s-i-n-g-l-e time I step out of the house.
A very tiring job, have to put on a mask every time before stepping out of the house.
Just like a lie, very tiring when you have to cover up one after another.
I’ve got so so many questions but who will be there to answer me all these? My friend said to me, my life is full of the word why since the beginning of the year. Yes, I always ask why because until this very moment I still don’t get it.
‘Why do you still wanna care when people do not even care about you and don’t trust you? Just fuck it la.. ‘
‘No no, I don’t care anymore. I just…..’
‘Every time you say you don’t care anymore but actually inside your heart you care a lot.’
Yes, I do care a lot. I care about every single thing. And again, why do I care? I cant answer myself that question.
You can hate me for being honest. You can hate me for being straightforward. You can hate me for asking questions that you might not be able to answer. You can hate me for god knows what reason. You can hate me for my height, my look, and my whatever shit. Hate me for being myself. Just carrying on hating me.
All I want to do is achieve my dreams. I don’t want to be some useless brat like some people. I want to study, I want to get a degree, I want to work hard, I want to get what I want. I am very aware of what I am doing. I make mistakes, I learn. I do not want to be a faker, I don’t. I don’t want people to look down on me just like how I look down certain kind of people.
I don’t know where my post is heading to anymore.
I’m tired and I’m sleepy now. I stop halfway last night and now I’m stuck.
I’m not sure if I put down all my thoughts but if I did not, I’ll just continue some other time.
If you hate me, don’t come in here because you will hate me more. See the ‘x’ at the above right corner?
Now, go and click it.
Cheers… nice to see u penning ur thoughts here…
YA, i hate u more after u wrote this god damn fucking post.
kkjm: But some people hate it.. Haha..
CK: Why so? Is it because you somehow is like what I mentioned? Do tell me why.. : )
Yeap. Coz u wrote ppl are using thier parent’s money. If their parent’s is willing to pay so why not? Maybe the way u think n my way to think is different. But anyway i still hate u, sweetie. I will dissapear from now on. BOOOOO !!
CK: So you mean if their parent is willing to pay, they can spend like nobody business? Using parent’s money is not a problem but there is a limit isn’t it? Moreover, what I’m emphasizing on is over the limit spending.
‘And some of them even wanna tell me craps that their parents work very hard this and that, and the next thing you see is they are spending money as if their parents open a bank.’
Read this. If wanna spend without thinking, then cut out the crap and say how hard your parents work.
Byebye..
lols … CK right ?? yah it is right if a parent is willing to pay for them for the things that they want … but somehow people are using their parent’s money to show off as in the money is the money that they own where as it is not … that is what she’s trying to mention … It is obvious that u wrote the comment before you actually understands the meaning of that word quote .. or even you’re just simply trying to find a topic to flame on people … ^^ … my parents do willing to spend money on me as well … but somehow , we don’t show off that way right … because the money isn’t urs at all .. heh
-Kidz88rex-
Kidz88rex: Wait till his children spend his money like nobody business and then he will know. Sometimes this is call over pampering. Parents provide so many things to them until the extend where they know nothing at all. The only thing they know is spending money. I’ve seen a very good example already.
I want to say it here but I’m not sure.. Argh..
Nevermind.