I know I have been neglecting my blog ever since I came to Melbourne and I’m sorry for that if you’re hoping for a post or two.
Tonight I needed this space for me to pour my heart out to my dad.
Dear blog, I do miss you. The place that never fail to let me rant whenever I want, the place that I get to upload tons of photos and the place where I archive my memories. :)

Dear Baba,

I’m sorry I couldn’t visit you with mami and the brothers tomorrow.
Haha I don’t even know why am I such a crybaby, typing the first sentence already made me cry.
In 15 years this is the second time I am missing Ching Ming and both times, I’m in Melbourne.
I really wish to join them tomorrow and be the one to wipe your picture like how I’ve done so in the previous years.
I used to write you letters every year and secretly put it in that box which was meant to burn for you.
And in each letter I never fail to share with you which guy I like at that very moment, on who he is and how I really like him. Each time things never seem to turn out right with those guys and at one point I thought to myself, maybe you don’t approve of them hence why things never seems right. So I stopped writing you letters, letters that I was suppose to write to you once every year because I don’t want you to disapprove of the guys. That was the funny way I used to think while I was young. And true enough when I stopped writing you letters my relationship lasted for 3 years.
Thinking back right now, all these are nonsense. I was so young I don’t even know what I was thinking. I miss writing you letters, why did I stop doing that?
I couldn’t write you a real letter this year as much as I want to, so I’d assume with the no-limit-credit-card and huge chunks of money we burn for you, you’ll get yourself a laptop or ipad and some unlimited data. So I’ll assume that you will read this, okay?

I’ve changed from asking why you had to leave me so early to appreciating that 12 years of memories you gave to me. I know I am so lucky to at least have 12 years of memories and love from you compared to those who do not know their father or parents at all.
They say time heals everything. Yes, time does make things better. Time does heal but I’ll say, just a tiny bit.
Just like my finger, it looks okay from the outside but a scar will forever be there. I don’t feel the intense pain anymore compared to 8 months ago but whenever I accidentally hit it, the pain is still unbearable. My finger is still very sensitive to touch just like my bruised heart.

A small part of me died when you left and I know you wouldn’t want to see me this unhappy. I know you’ll be sad seeing me cry and grief and that makes me even sadder.
I may not have done my best to things I promised you like excelling in academics but I hope you will understand that I really am not born for this. I know you always mentioned to me how important studies are and that you wish that both me and brother will study hard because you couldn’t.
Dad I took interest in something else, I now love to cook and I so hope that you’re here to taste my food and give me feedbacks. It breaks my heart because there are so many things that I wish to share with you but I couldn’t.
I wish that I can always fall into your arms whenever I feel upset over my relationship, my friendship, my hardship but fact is I can’t.

I miss you so god damn much and as I continue with my life, building more memories I am so very afraid that my memories with you will slowly fade away. This scares me to no end as memories is the only thing I have of you right now.
I hope that you will enjoy some family time with mom and brothers tomorrow. I promise the next time I visit you, I’ll cook you some food.

I don’t know why I love you so much.
Please be my father my next life, I don’t want anybody else.

From your crybaby girl.