twenty ten’s november.
a mixture of emotions
all blend together like a glass of mix fruit juice.
Wait, a glass of mix fruit juice with some bitterground in it.
it taste so bad during the first few sips.
wasn’t it suppose to be all sweet and tasty?

I wonder to myself how can my birthday month start out this way?
Why am I being left, yet again when I wasn’t at all ready.
Wasn’t at all prepared for that punch from you, right through my heart.
i knew straight away on that night you left that things are already coming to an end.
but i just thought, maybe when you’re back things would be different.
i thought you might want to spare me some heartbreak since my birthday is here.

how ironic. it ended right on my birthday night.
one month’s gone.
i figured i’ll eventually get over it if we stop seeing each other so often, which we did.
but each and every time when you’re right there in front of me, i just realise how great the impact is to me.
sometimes, even your name or those stupid songs makes me feel so uneasy.
especially seeing you on msn or facebook, it affect my mood right away.

i passed by your housing area just now and it reminds me of so much.
our late night supper. our late night moments.
i miss you a lot. i miss those moments. i miss having you around me at night. i miss finding you when i’m hungry.
i miss talking to you. i miss falling asleep next to you. i miss how you asked me to pinch you. i just miss you.

despite having a bad start at the beginning of november which is really quite bad i must say, i’m feeling so much better now.
it already happened, come and gone. i cant say i’m not hurt. i cant say i don’t feel the pain.
even more, i cant say i don’t miss you and i haven’t been thinking of you. thinking of the times we spend together.

but i’m strong enough to let all these pass me by and gather myself once again.
i do not have a choice, yet i guess this is the best choice for everyone.

i always am that pathetic little girl who will try so hard to cling on whatever i love but this time, no.
i’m unhappy but i think i did not cry. surprisingly.
have to learn to suck it all up when shit happens sometimes.

and everything else. i’ve put that all behind of me.
for all the things that happened.

i wrote this during mid of novemeber but as usual, i never get around to publish it.
i did not cry, not until that day. when i found out you’re gonna leave again!
when i realise things are so not in place, i might not even get a hug from you.
it feels like i really really am losing you even as a friend, though i know that’s not at all the case.
i was just feeling so upset but i guess it’ll all eventually be left behind when you’re finally no where to be seen :(
i thought it was just a crush, but turns out… i fall quite deeply.

well, other than that november is still pretty good.
birthdays. outings. parties and work.
i feel somehow happier after my birthday, despite all the crap that happened.
november’s gone and i’m missing november already!

i’ll see you after a year.
and i hope the next time i see you, it will only be full with happiness.

so, hi decemeber.
wont you be good to me? (:

do you agree on my post title?
humans are never perfect.
you just cant make everyone likes you OR dislikes you.

only with haters, we know who truly are our friends.
which friend of ours that truly cares.
i never appreciate anything more than a sincere heart.
a little sincerity goes a long way.

when you feel like it’s the end of the world and your friends who are so caught up with their life decides to take a couple of minutes just to check if you’re doing fine, these are the people who you should never let go.
these are the people who bring me this far.
the care from other people that comes sincerely from their hearts really are something i treasure a lot.

i am bless to have these friends, whom i actually seldom catch up with but yet, they know from my messages that i am not doing fine.
and they asked. they care for me.
they gave me the most encouraging words. and i cant describe how much i appreciate them. really.

And at times there will be some strangers who care enough to take their time and give me some advices or compliments. These people are really sweet and they really made my day. Really thank you from the bottom of my heart.
These also are the people who accept me for who I am.

But like I said, I can’t make everyone like me. Well I guess neither can you, that’s life.
But then again, not liking a person or hating a person as i would like to put it this way, doesn’t mean you have to literally ATTACK them.
yes, we human do have emotions. it is indeed very normal to hate someone. humans have different point of views.
but hating doesn’t equal to attacking.

yes, i do hate some particular person. like to the core i swear.
but i don’t attack in a disrespectful way.
or maybe i did when i get fucking piss but after that conversation that i wasn’t expecting, i somehow put it all down. 80% of it if not all.

it’s like alright. fuck it, i’m not gonna tweet.
no disrespectful tweets i mean.
and i believe from that day my tweets seems pretty normal.
but people just get agitated for god knows what reason.

it’s not even something that you people should be concern about.
maybe we should put it this way.

the whole fuck up incident had a great impact in my life and i’m still very much hurt by this fuck up incident.
my feelings are hurt. i care and i get piss.
and you people? what do you people have to do with this?
you’re not even involve in it. you don’t even know what actually happened.
for i believe the so called truth that were told, aren’t really the truth.
even, whether it is or not it still has got nothing to do with you people, isn’t it?

and i was told to be a little more mature. okay, perhaps i’m childish.
but if you get agitated on things that are totally not related to you, hmm. that sounds more immature.
stop. that’s what you people keep asking me to do.
if you haven’t notice, it takes two hands to clap.

as i said. i am hurt. i care. i voice out.
but to those who has got nothing to do with this, you shouldn’t say anything.
what do you know? like really.

i thought we’re all grown ups.
but from what you people said and did, that’s not the case. not at all.
disrespectful much.

i hate you. you. you. and you.
but i never really said any disrespectful words.
especially not on people’s family or backgrounds or whatever.
me hating you and your attitude or character is one thing. me disrespecting you and your family is another, which i did not.
i hate, and i try to ignore. which it is fucking hard for me.
ignoring is something i’m not very good at, but still i try.

whatever you said about a person, never on the family.
you’ve got no idea what happened in the family. you’ve got no idea what they have been through in the family.
so please, respect people’s family and yourself.
i bet you wouldn’t want others to talk about your family either.

and don’t laugh at people’s misfortune. which, some of you are doing currently.
i never in my life pretend or act like i’m a rich kid.
i’m poor. very poor in fact.
i have to think twice when i order for food.
i will compare the price every time.
Rm6.90 and Rm5.90. i will choose the cheaper ones though i prefer the Rm6.90 bowl of mee.
watching movies on a saturday night at pavilion makes me stress sometimes.
the ticket is expensive. i prefer Rm6 movie ticket before 6pm.
even drinking starbucks seems almost impossible for me.
like wtf do i really want to waste Rm15 for a cup of coffee.

yes, you can laugh at me. because i know you people do.
but sorry to say, i am proud of myself.
my mom stop giving me allowance since form 5.
and i’ve been using my own money since then.
i pay for my own food. i pay for my own clothings. i pay for my handphone. i pay for my camera.
i pay for my own computer. i pay for my 21st birthday party. i pay for my own trips. i pay for my bangkok trip.
and my mom don’t even pay my school fees.
i work hard to earn my own money so that i can carry on with my life and you people laugh at how poor i am.
how i don’t have the ability to do whatever it is.
when you people still depend on your parents. what is there to be proud of even if you’re rich?
is that what you achieve?

i rely on no one. only myself. i support my own life.
and please if things has got nothing to do with you, just stop involving in it.
if you wanna bitch about things non related to you, by all means go ahead.
but maybe not in public. it’s a shame.

i know, even if one day the truth unfolds things wont have much difference.
because the mindset is that i’m wrong no matter how.
i don’t even bother revealing the truth already.
and how funny it is when everyone in the world can do a specific thing and when it’s me doing it. i’m wrong.
i’m wrong doing such things but you just did the same. don’t you think it’s a little too confusing.
really, what on earth.

if you guys want, just continue what you’re doing.
and i hope you have fun.

as for me. i’m not afraid of anything.
i’ll take the responsibility for what i’ve done.
as long as i have my true friends, that’s good enough.
as long as they give me the chance to change. as long as they see me taking the initiative.
as long as they like me for who i am. i’m happy.

and just a little reminder here.
you don’t know what you sign up for. you thought it’s a good deal. you thought.