Am I neglecting my blog or what? I’ve been dayre-ing every other day, it just seems so much easier than really sitting in front of my laptop and blogging away. Sorry for being lazy, fucking lazy I mean. Here’s a piece to share my happiness and what I’ve been doing for the pass one year. I dayre-d everything then copy and paste it here to make things easier. I also just dayre-d about #mymostvolatilerelationship created by Timothy Tiah, you can read if you’re interested. (dayre.me/peggychow)

I’ve been dreaming of writing this post. Every now and then I imagined myself typing this, imagined myself phrasing words and sentences.

“I finally got my Australia visa!!!!”

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A lot has happened this March.
Never in a million years have I thought that I will experience this so soon but yet I did.
In fact, it isn’t just March.
Not sure for you but my 2014 hasn’t been smooth thus far.

I started off the year with a lot of arguments. There were too many dissatisfaction which lead to quarreling every alternate days.
I was back to my old emotional self for awhile and that hurts a lot.

Just when the arguments started wearing off and I was back to my old happy self, really looking forward to my Japan trip I read a bad piece of news.
Our very own MAS airplane went missing while on the way to Beijing, few days before I flew off to Osaka.
I was affected by the news because I was afraid (I’ve always been afraid of boarding a plane that will crash).
Not only was I affected because I was afraid of boarding a plane so soon but I was also very afraid and concern over my brother’s safety.
He’s a pilot and I don’t want to imagine losing a family member this close to me after my father’s death.
Not sure how my mom feels but every single time my brother step out of the house for work, I feel scared.
And every time I see him coming home in one piece, I feel relieved.
I also have friends who work as a pilot and stewardess, so it does really affect me in a way.

I was constantly updating myself by reading the news while I was at Japan but because I was travelling, I wasn’t that focus.
The travelling did lighten my heart a little bit during that few days.
Then I came home on Friday, got myself a complimentary ticket to FMFA which was great at first.

I partied, had fun, went back to Fatty’s place, slept, and woke up with the worst news after 14 years.
A very very good friend of mine passed away at that exact same place, it was too hard to digest.
In fact he passed me by at the rave and I kept thinking to myself if I have followed him that night, he might still be here.
If I had done a little bit more, just a little bit more by following him. But I did not and he’s a very close friend of mine, so this feeling inside of me really…… I don’t even know how to describe.

It was such a hard time for all of us, all of his close friends and family.
I find it hard to face his mother because occasionally I’ll end up at his house and then bump into his mother and talk a little.
I also find it very hard for me to see how upset and heartbroken my boyfriend was. I just cant do anything to make him feel better.
Then there were a whole lot of close friends who were heartbroken at the same time too.
The pain from seeing my love one being heartbroken, the pain from seeing all my close friends being heartbroken, and the pain from in within feeling really heartbroken.
It was too much to handle and up till this day I still feel like it was a really really bad dream sometimes.

After trying to get it together for a week, I received another news from my bestfriend that her dad passed away.
I was lost for words.
Another week passed by and now, our prime minister announced that our very own MH370 ended up in Indian Ocean.
That’s a whole fucking lot of lives we’re talking about. I was really saddened by what he announced because deep down I wished that the plane was just lost. Lost not perished.

Actually I still have this hope in me somehow that this was just a mistake. Who knows, we’re all capable of making mistakes even our very own prime minister.
What I prayed for during my Bangkok trip and Chinese New Year didn’t come true at all.
I wish for health and safety of my family and friends but that didn’t happen. I wish for happiness for all of them and that didn’t happen.
Was I not sincere enough?

One piece of long ass heart broken post and I’ll update on my Japan trip next.
I want nothing but the remaining of the year to be free from sadness, that’s all.

I am reaching my crucial year, aren’t I?
In less than a month I will turn 24 and I’ve never felt this old in my life.
I’m almost breaking a sweat, how is this even happening? How am I hitting 24 already?

There’s no way you can stay away from responsibilities as you age, they’re parallel or almost.
You can delay it from hitting you if you’re born rich but it will just come crashing at you sooner or later.

If you’re not the one who is climbing up the position ladder in the office, if you’re not the one earning Rm3000 and above at this age, if you’re not the one planning to buy a property then you’re the one who wonder ‘What the fuck am I doing in my life when others can be that good?’.

I am so far behind.
When will it be my turn.
Will I ever be that good to have my turn.
What am I gonna do if my income stay stagnant.

The above is just a few questions that you and I may have asked.
The world is so competitive right now or has it been this competitive all the way back to our parents’ era?
All we ever wanted is to have lots of money and enjoy life to the fullest ain’t it?
We always want the same thing, good food, branded goods, travel to nice places, nice cars, nice gadget and you’ll be on top.
Most often than not I wonder, how hard do I have to work or how smart do I have to be to achieve all the above.
Was it easy for them, for those who have it all?
Was it easy for them to start, was it a one hit wonder?

How do you set your priority in life when you don’t have it all?
When you’re just a normal person like me?
Time or money, you cant have best of both world if you aren’t rich to begin with.
Either you die working and have money with little time or you buy time with money.
All the applying leave and quitting jobs are traded with money.
Do people from 50 years back buy time and freedom with money like we do?

It is never easy to find a balance, especially not in Malaysia.
You work for long hours with low pay and not to forget the high expenses.
How many of us normal people can have a good balance between time and money?
Well unless you weren’t tempted by anything material or what I’ve mentioned above.
But then again, what’s life without indulging be it food or travel, branded or gadget.

Life can be this hard after your university days pass you by and this might just be one of the worst wake up call you have in life.
Another one will be realising actually people around you do die and leave but more on that another time.

For myself, I’d always go for time rather than money.
That is the reason as to why I hate 9 to 5 jobs and to why I hate even more on the word overtime.
Of course to most people, job is not just a job. It is a career where you can climb but career is a strange word to me.
I’m still in the midst of searching (searching since forever).
Having a job is sacrificing freedom in return of something else, no one likes it but everyone just have to do it.

You know, one thing I am glad of even in the midst of working is having found Caravan.
Caravan to me is not just another online store or just another lame shop that aims at earning money.
There are a number of things I have learned ever since I created Caravan with my partners.

I’ve always thought that it is going to be easy and I assume most of the people out there do think that setting up an online store is easy (and somewhat lame too).
But it was never.

I am the one dealing with marketing and customers and I have the duty to make sure that items from Caravan are sold off so that my partners will get what they deserve which most of the time made me feel stress.
Dealing with partners are never easy especially when everyone has their own say.
From stocks to labeling to customers to brand image, they can drive you crazy when they want to.

I never once regret for creating Caravan even though there are disagreements and fights because at the end of the day we always make it through.
Neither did my partners regret doing this.

I can trade time with money but I will never trade Caravan for anything else, time or money.

I see people complaining not having enough time or not having enough money.
Either you earn less and have more time, your earn more and have less time, or buck up and sacrifice everything else until you reach that point.

What’s your priority in life?
Mine is time and freedom.
Mine is love and Caravan.

Today was a little unusual than my other days.
Unusual in a very good way.

I woke up earlier than I was supposed to, to deliver my client’s parcel and to avoid the crowd during noon time.
It was a quick one at the post office and I made the decision to follow my mom to the wet market.
On normal days, she’ll drop me off at work and go to the wet market alone.

When I was little, I used to follow her to this wet market once in a while.
Sometimes it bores me and most of the time I am too much of a sleepyhead to wake up early.
Today, it feels like those times once again. (Not the boring part of course.)

While mom was buying a fish, I shrieked.
She picked a fish that was alive out of the fish tank and the fishmonger killed it right in front of my eyes.
Oh I cant bear the scene and mom laughed at me.

I asked her a lot of questions.
Me: 600 grams of squid means how many can I get?
Mom: A few.
Me: Only a few? A few for about Rm15? (or was it Rm16 or Rm14, I cant remember) So expensive!
Mom: If not! You thought what?

Me: How much is the duck? Do they sell in small pieces?
Mom: No, must buy the whole duck or at least half. Duck is expensive.

Me: Walau! The prawn so expensive geh!
Mom: ‘Eat rice don’t know rice price’.

Me: How much is the lotus root?
Mom: Let the auntie tell you.
Auntie” RM4.50
Me: Rm4.50 for such a small piece? So expensive!
Mom: IF NOT!

Everything is so expensive! Salted fish alone cost my mom Rm24!
Oh poor mommy, on top of that she have to cook for us.
I do feel guilty for not mending our weird relationship sometimes, knowing that she definitely suffer more than I do.
But today was a good one for us, it is our little bonding session like old times.
I shall do this more often, even better that I can gain some knowledge from her on how to choose those vegetables and fishes and what not.

I finished reading ‘Anne Frank’ in two days.
It is a diary of a young girl in her teenage, a diary dated from 14th June 1942 to 1st August 1944.
The venue took place at a building in Amsterdam that has a secret pathway, a ‘Secret Annexe’ they called it for hiding.
Anne, her family, and her family friends hid there for a total of 2 years without stepping out of the building.
No one knew they were there except for her father’s friends who were there to help.
They were Jews and they have to hide themselves from the Germans, from the Nazis in order to keep themselves alive.
It feels weird to find that Anne’s relationship with her mummy is somewhat like my relationship with my mom.

Then again, at the end of the day both Anne and I knew that our moms love us more than anything though the connection sometimes might not be as strong.
Though both Anne and I love our father so much more.

Get hold of the book if you can and read it.
You’ll then discover how bless we are today with no sufferings and I sincerely thank God for that.
Most of all, I thank God that I still have my mom with me in spite of everything.

That alone means more than the world to me, without her knowing.