I’ve just made a decision just now.
I do hope this is the best decision for my dear friend and me.

—————————————————————————————————–
Goodbye My Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

Hi people.. :”D (waving frantically wtf)
It seems like I’ve been emo-ing for such a long time that I’m starting to feel tired now. Real tired.
Well, after the past two days of some stupid quarreling or debating or whatever shit it is, I am finally awake. (Clap your hands everyone!)
Things that you said to me is really like a big slap in my face.
Not that I agree on all the shits you say about me, but it is those shits you say that really wake me up.
From every single word you said, there is only one truth.
The truth is that you never try to understand my words, my feelings, and most importantly you never try to understand me. Maybe you can say that it is not the truth but at least to me, you are that way.
To you, I am always on the guilty side. I am always the one to blame. Doesn’t matter if the problem is between you and me, or between your close friend and me, or even between your normal friends and me, I am still the one to blame. Even though others are wrong, even though you are wrong but I am still the one to be blame. I’ve always try so hard to explain to you that I am not the way you think I am but I fail to do that. I fail miserably.
But today, it no longer matters to me. Its ok if you wanna put the blame on me. Its ok if you think I am like this. Its ok for you to think that others and you are all right but not me. Because I realise that what you think is what you think. I am 100% fine now if you think that way. No point for me to explain to someone who points at me and say that I am wrong in the first place.
I seriously let go after that conversation. I finally realise that you really don’t worth my tears. I finally see the real you. I no longer wanna lie to myself. Now I know we are better off this way. Now I see that we have no future from the start. I no longer wanna say you are the one for me, really, because I can feel it. Yeah, total bullshit that is. Seriously, to come to think of it, you really are not the one for me. There are so many things you fail to do but I do not want to mention. If you find your love one, I congrats you from the bottom of my heart and I will wish the girl good luck.
I’ve never feel this relieve. I do not want to cry for you ever again because I can see how not worth it is. I swear this will be put to an end and I hope I really can do it.

Are you people happy for me? (Please say yes even you are not, haha)
Emo things aside, whats next?
Omfg, I fail my subject for the first time ever. :”(
Sad right? And the stupid UCSI decided to raise up the stupid fees for resiting the exam from Rm100 to Rm200. Wtf la, awal tak naik harga, orang fail baru dia naik. Curse UCSI wtf.
But who call me so lazy, everyday masuk class to sleep only. My friend even snap photos while I’m sleeping in class and post it in facebook. Why la my friend like that?
Seriously, I don’t think I can survive if I continue sleeping in class (which is actually the first time only lo..) I no longer wanna be a lazy bum. I need to stop fooling around and really start to put some effort in my studies. I hope I can do that. Encourage me a little bit lah people.

Ok, sad things aside, whats next?
But this one sad thing also. I damn a lot of sad thing one, why ah?
I was suppose to take 2 subjects for this semester but unfortunately I can only take one.
Why? Why? Why?
Because the big spender here spend a lot of money and now not enough money to pay for 2 subjects wtf. Who wanna sponsor me?
I told my mom and ask her can pay for me first or not, then I’ll pay her back by January after PTPTN bank in for me. She say ‘talk money no need to talk’.. -.-
Since she said that, I have no other choice. The next day she said this to me, ‘If you don’t know how to take care of your own finance, you will not be success in your life’. Yes, my bad, my bad.
I’ve been thinking of what she told me for days now and I know what she say is so true.
So, what am I going to do? Sigh, I have to control myself and not use so much money. And and and I am going to work. I seriously need to work already if not sure bankruptcy. I will be more hardworking, study hard and work hard to earn my marks and money. I hope I have high endurance.

Alright, I’m done with all the emo, sad, and suffering stuff. :”D
I wanna cut short my hair. I’ve actually cut my hair before this but now I think its not short enough. Find one day I am going to cut it short and colour it. I’m bored with the black colour hair and also I’ve got this Snips offer where I can get Rm80 off if I do colouring. Good offer right? :”D
I wanted to write a long post but I’m sleepy now. There is a lot of things I want to have. Maybe I’ll just put it into another post some other time.

Faster say you are happy for me. :”D
I am happy for myself.

How much trust do you actually put on people next to you? What is trust? Why do we have to trust people? The more I trust one person, the more hurt I am. People always break the trust another person have on them. I don’t feel like trusting people anymore. Not even a single person. I now realise its better to be a pessimist than an optimist. I trust people with all my heart and yet they break the trust. Isn’t it better when I be a pessimist and think all things negatively because the fact is the real world is this ugly. There isn’t any shits like love, shits like fate, shits like trust, shits like friends, whatever shits that sound so nice but in fact, they doesn’t really exist.

There is no such thing as ‘If we are meant to be together, nothing will break us apart’. This are all bullshits, dogshits, elephantshits, fucking shits. I don’t think I will ever wanna put a trust on someone anymore. I don’t wanna trust him, I don’t wanna trust friends, I don’t wanna trust lecturers, I don’t wanna trust strangers, I don’t even wanna trust my family members. I wanna trust no one. Its the best not trusting people because in the end, you will not get hurt at all. Why wanna trust people and get hurt in the end? Where is the point?

I’m so fucking tired to trust everything people say, to be so fucking naive and think that the people in this world are actually nice people. There are no nice people, only selfish people. Human is the scariest thing ever. I will never put all my trust on anyone anymore. Its better to be alone because no one can hurt you. The thing one can trust is only money.

Its better to protect myself than to let someone else protect me.
They will turn around and walk away anytime.
Trust money, don’t trust human. Human betrays, money don’t.
Its better to hate than to get hurt.

Wow, it seems as though its been quite a long time I didn’t really put down my thoughts in my blog.
I use to always tell out whatever feelings I have in here, especially when I’m sad.
I didn’t talk bout my feelings for quite some time, does that mean I’m not sad? I don’t really know.
I’ve been thinking of typing my feelings, but these days, I don’t know what stop me from doing it.
Today, my friend just told me that I’m so lazy to blog, only dump in pictures. Haha..
I admit I’m kinda lazy to blog these days, just pictures and that’s it.

This two weeks is just so unpredictable.
I know the truth quite well, but I just don’t wanna accept it.
I don’t wanna accept the fact that it is actually zero. ZERO!
I asked again and again, wishing that the answer is different.
Why do I still want to lie to myself at this very moment? Sometimes, being a optimistic person is not that good after all. Good things always don’t come my way. I don’t know.

However, after waking up this morning, I start to put some sense into myself.
I wake up and I feel nothing. I asked myself why don’t I feel sad when last night I keep crying.
I can’t find the answer till my friend told me that is because I already let go apart of it without myself realising it. My heart still hurts when I think about it. I constantly blame myself over this.

I wish I can turn back time. I guess everybody wish. I have to keep reminding myself, whats done is done. All I can do is learn from my mistake. But hell, the price for this mistake is just so big, I almost couldn’t afford it. Compare to before, I am much better although not fully recover. I think I’ll be alright after few more months. I’ve let go apart of it, I just have to work harder and let go the other half.

I wanna smile like this every time and be happy. I wish I could.