Thoughts

It’s A Start

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Today is the 31st of July 2017.
More than half a year has gone and what have you achieved in this seven months?
Did you stick to the resolution that you made for yourself?
I don’t really remember mine or I can’t even be sure if I had one but I think I said I wanted to be better. To be a better person in general perhaps, a better daughter, a better friend, a better employee, just to be better.

Well I’d like to think that I am finally making a greater effort to be a better person.
For a start, I am finally paying attention to my health and what I am eating. (Of course the secret to this is that I gained almost 3 kilograms which is totally unacceptable.)
I guess the reason for my weight gain is that I binge eat on my road to recovery from a bad break up.
I remember myself binge eating a lot of years back after a break up and I gained weight to the point where a mamak guy told me that I’m getting fatter haha. That is so embarrassing.
Eating makes me happy, it still does but I would like to do it more consciously.

So my brother asked me what have I been eating in Melbourne. :(

So now I am just trying to shed some fats by doing it the right way.
I went to gym and did exercise at home 5 days in a week which is shocking because I’ve never really been this dedicated.
I have since stopped eating butter and I won’t eat butter until I lost my weight. In fact even after I lost my weight I still wouldn’t eat butter like how I used to with exception at fine dining restaurants cause their bread and butter are always super nice haha.
I’ve also cut down sugar which is the number one source for weight gain. I didn’t realise how sugar is in everything until I became more concious by checking on the nutrition information on food packagings. Just because you don’t eat ice-cream or cakes doesn’t mean you’re not having sugar intake.
SUGAR IS EVERYWHERE! Wanted to put tomato relish on my toast but I realise the existence of sugar in it so I ended up slathering mustard instead which have zero sugar by the way.

I’ve cut down my rice intake as well and it has been four days since I last had rice. SHOCKING seeing that I am such a rice freak. Instead of eating rice for dinner I eat my roast vegetables with fish or chicken with quinoa wraps.
I’ve cut down red meat tremendously, only twice last week and this is a news because if you know me I am a fucking carnivore. I eat like a man, I need my meat and rice.
Now I’m just like, roast vegetables without oil and sauce wtf.
For breakfast I just have bircher,chia or rice flakes with soy milk. Me, soy milk. Me and soy milk.
It’s a joke, I never drink soy milk in Australia.
Even when I get a free cup of chai I was asking questions like are there sugar and milk in it.
I can have soy milk with anything but not coffee. I need my coffee with full cream milk and my way of cutting it is instead of drinking a 7oz coffee at work, I now drink piccolo instead.
It is not entirely for health and weight issues, I also want to be more ethical towards animals.
I know I cant be vegetarian but I just want to say no to red meat as much as I can.
The image of these animals screaming while being slaughter kinda makes me go…….. I don’t know how to put it in words.
I know I will never give it up entirely but I still want to make an effort to cut it out as much as I can.

I’ve been buying free range eggs for a long time now and although the price is almost double from caged eggs I still tell myself to make peace with the price. It’s a pity to have a life being caged, no where to roam and then ended up in someone’s dinner plate.
I talked to my mom a couple of days ago and said that we need to start eating free range chicken and she said one free range chicken is equivalent to two chickens she bought from market.
So I said it’s okay, we cant bring the money along to our grave anyway and she said, ‘yeah but you never ever pay for the chickens.’ HAHAHA, yeap sorry mom. I’ll still convince her none the less.

There are people who decided to be a vegetarian or vegan and if you are one of them, good on you.
Sometimes being a vegan seems like a hipster thing to do but being vegan doesn’t equals to not eating meat and eggs, or not drinking milk. The commitment is more to that.
It means no honey and mayonnaise. It means no leather goods and if you want to be a vegan please give up your channel bag or prada shoes. It means no fur and no down jacket that contains real feather. It really means so much more.

I’m not a person who can do something so great that I can change the world but I want to do my small part as one of the residence of this earth to make this place less shitty that’s all.
If I can make a change in my eating habits and diet for animals, all the more I should do better in trying to make a change for human beings.

All my life I’ve been the kind of consumer who buy cheap things, buy loads of them even if they’re of the shittiest quality. I went to Bangkok with an empty luggage bag, filled it all up with new buys and home it went with me.
All the clothes that I have is weighing me down (and probably 25% of them I have yet to touch). Like it is giving me mental frustration because it is so cluttered.
So now I made a promise to myself to declutter my wardrobe and in the future shop from ethical and sustainable clothing brands, to go for slow fashion instead of fast fashion. Buy quality instead of quantity.

Don’t spiral into that consumerism hole whereby you feel like you need to buy the newest collection from places like Topshop and Zara every other week, wore it once and never be seen by the daylight again.
I’ve seen people like such because they cant be seen wearing the same clothing because really, you gotta be trendy to be cool.
If you’d like to check on how ethical a certain brand is, you can download this app called ‘Good on you’ and they will have ratings with descriptions on how the company is doing for you.
As far as I’m concern, Adidas seems like a more ethical brand than Nike.
Although brands like H&M or Zara are fast fashion but in my opinion as long as you take care of your clothing and willing to let go of being on trend, it doesn’t really matter if you shop from these places with the condition that they are being ethical to their factory workers.
Sustainability is not only buying from ethical brands, it is also about not having your clothing end up in landfills. It is going to end up being the same if you buy from ethical brands but only wear it twice. In a way you can still very well purchase that dress from Zara as long as your dress has a long life span. H&M has got a ‘concious’ collection so despite not being 100% ethical or sustainable, brands like such are also trying. Zara also discloses details of factories and do not use child labour so it really is a good start.

I don’t have the habit of taking good care of my belongings but from now on I will take good care of my clothings so that they can last longer. I think buying from ethical and sustainable brands help cause they aren’t cheap in the first place and because they’re not as affordable I have to look after them otherwise I’ll be broke as shit.

You know what else is good by shopping ethically?
You actually save so much more from not buying fur or leather goods.
Because you want to be ethical and live a sustainable life you will be able to give up the thought of owning branded leather goods and by that you get to put your money into better use.
I only have two leather goods in my life right now, one Louis Vuitton bag which is a hand me down from my mom (actually I snatched it from her HAHA) and my Chloe wallet which I bought last year.
I’ve always wanted a Prada wallet because I reckon a good leather wallet can last me a long long time (but I’m not willing to pay the price and I lost interest in the design so I opt for Chloe instead). Now that I’ve changed my mindset towards leather all the more I will use it for an extended time.
I’m not sure if I want to have more leather goods because most of the leather goods created made our world a much more harmful place to live in as much as it is a by product from meat industry.

Modern leather tanneries and the leather they make are frighteningly toxic. So toxic, that there are more tanneries than any other business on the Environmental Protection Agency’s (EPA) Superfund list, the list that identifies the priority environmental cleanups in the U.S. So toxic, that 95% of U.S. tanneries have moved their operations overseas to avoid environmental oversight penalties. So toxic, that many old tannery sites can’t be used for agriculture or built on or even sold.” Rowan Gabrielle, from “Leather for life” White Paper.

Unless it is stated that said leather goods uses vegetable tanning or is made from recycled leather, I might very well give it all up all together (and not like I can afford anyway).
We really should start checking the sources of our food and clothings, which we often spend the most of our money on. Vote with our money, we shall.

We can never do a 100% but we can each do 10% and with today’s earth population, imagine what 10% from each and everyone of us can do to make a change.
As the year and technology moves forward, our humanity, our conciousness as a human being and our earth are moving backwards. It’s a shame, really.

Life as we know it…

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My trapped emotions went haywire today. I totally lost it in the shower for no absolute reason.
I noticed a pattern, this tend to hit me every couple of months.
My heart felt so heavy like it just hit rock bottom.

Perhaps it is the quietness of my surrounding after my mom and my brother went back home from visiting me back to back.
It feels so nice to be surrounded by my dearest, the familiarity and the comfort that they seem to provide. The calmness they give me like everything else in the world is okay.

Few weeks ago I found out through Facebook that a guy whom at one point in my life means the world to me passed away. He was also my friend’s brother and I just do not know what to feel or how to react, or even what to say to this friend of mine. We’re all adults now and friends do go separate ways but he was once a very close friend of mine and although it has been years since I last saw him, I still do feel the pain for him and his family. It is a lot to take in especially when our old memories came flooding back. It was a very short period of my life but I could remember it as if it was yesterday.

The incident brought me to a lot of questioning.

A news came on today on how Airasia’s plane that was headed to Perth shook for 90 minutes midair due to a blade that sheared off an engine and I was absolutely taken aback.
If you know me well, you know that I don’t deal very well with bad air plane news.
My family just came and left, what are the odds. Or what about myself.
What if I was the one who were in the plane, what if the plane did indeed crash.
I couldn’t help but ask myself if all my what ifs did happen, what is my biggest regret in life?
At this point of my life, all I have with me is faded memories and a shattered heart, is that all?

I regret holding back. If I were to die tomorrow, I regret holding myself back.
The transition that I have to face for going back home to KL puts me off and I kept delaying what was supposed to be June to July to August.
I fear the transition, I fear jumping out of my comfort zone but I gotta do what I gotta do.
If I keep pushing it back, I will never go forward and start doing something for myself.
If I die tomorrow I will never know if I will be able to make it on my own because I never get the chance to try, because I was too afraid so it was like a never ending postpone session.
I would rather die trying than to not try at all.
Perhaps I just gotta tell myself that mistakes will come, inevitably but if I am strong enough to brace through it good results will wait for me at the end of all struggles.

Recently I’ve been getting these messages telling me that life is short, perhaps it is a way to show me that I really have to reset my priorities in life.
Just today, my tutor for my photography class told us that one of the other tutor (who initially was supposed to teach in my class) got diagnosed with cancer. I don’t even know him but my heart sank. That’s a lot of bad news in a day, more than I could handle.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be too worried over things I cant change and have no control over.
Perhaps it is time I work even harder towards whatever goal I set for myself or at the very least just keep improving in whatever that I can, or you know just improve as a person.
Life is hard as it is but at least make it a worthwhile one.

Comfort Zone

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One third of the year has already passed us by, how are you living yours so far?

Ever since the start of lunar new year things has been going pretty great for myself, I’ve been living my life, doing things I love and meeting new great people along the way with common interests and really really just appreciating my alone time and freedom. My not so new found freedom.

These are nothing big but I felt proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and achieving something along the way.
Everyone has their own different set of comfort zone and I am a person who fear too much hence my ‘do not fear’ tattoo that doesn’t seem to do it’s work and remind me all that much.

I fear failure the most (and losing people I love).
Perhaps everyone fears failing, I do not know.
But throughout my almost 30 years of life I have never once gone for competition of any sort, not even lucky draws.
I might have participated in lucky draw but for as little as ten times or less because I have a feeling that I’ve never really been lucky all my life.

So why join competition when you know you’re gonna lose anyway?
Why put yourself in the position whereby you allow others to witness your failure in competing?
I see absolute no point in making myself feel so bad so the word competition doesn’t exist in my dictionary. I get very defeated when I fail and I need to learn how to cope with failing because part of life is about failing.

I’ve always been this girl who thinks that she is never good enough. Never good enough for anything basically. I was holding myself back, I was the one who put a limit to myself. I was the one who said no to myself and I was the one who failed myself before even trying.

Last month when I was hanging out with my mate at Fitzroy we went into Fitzroy library for some reason and upon exiting I saw a poster that caught my attention. A poster that says ‘Capture Yarra’, a photography competition so I grab the brochure just being all curious about the participation part.
My mate insisted that I go ahead and try and with a very hesitating look I asked, ‘Should I really?’
‘Just try, you have nothing to lose anyway. Never try never know’, he said.

With his words I brace myself and went on to try. I loaded my Canon SLR with a black and white film called Shirokuro made by Film Never Die and off I went to Fitzroy just walking around and capturing.
After my film was processed I felt like I made the wrong decision by picking the wrong film to shoot.
Photographers tend to say that black and white are more forgiving but I personally find that it has it’s difficulty because everything in my era is in colours unlike olden days.
I have difficulty watching black and white movie.
It is also because whatever I look through the view finder everything is in colours, I can’t quite picture how the photo will look like in black and white.

The hasty decision in using b&w film for this competition was from watching Vivian Maier and all these documentaries about street photographer but I think I could do a better job if I pick up Ilford instead. I picked a few photos from the roll which I found interesting and went around asking friends for opinion because I am an indecisive person and I needed opinions to pick my best two.

I wasn’t very sure of my film outcome so I went to Richmond during my day off to take more pictures but this time I used my digital Fuji instead. I just wanted to make sure that I have better chance in being a finalist but at the end of the day I followed my instinct and picked the photo that stood out to myself despite mixed favourites from friends’ decision.

25+yrs: CCP Weekend Photography Workshop + a One Year membership to CCP

An exhibition of the finalist entries and winning submissions will be launched at a special Yarra Youth Services’ National Youth Week Event, before beginning its tour of all five Yarra Libraries’ branches.

The prices definitely stood out to me, I really really want to go for CCP (centre for contemporary photography) photography workshop because I could only afford it if I sell off my kidney.
In all honesty I was just hoping to be a finalist because I know that there’s no way I will be good enough to win a photography competition when I’m not even a photographer myself.
I had been refreshing my email obsessively just waiting for that one important email that says ‘Congratulations you’re one of our finalist!’

I never would have thought in a million years that the photo I took will be exhibited, this is more than crazy. I was so thrilled to be one of the finalist and I pictured about 10 finalists from a group but when I went to the opening exhibition at Edinburgh Garden I realised from each group they actually only picked a winner and two finalists.

What!? I was that close to winning!?? You gotta be kidding me!!
This was my first time joining a competition and I took the difficult way to shoot film, in black and white with a camera that I was using the first time and got into top 3!
I still couldn’t believe it and the most amazing of it all is that my mom will be visiting me during June and I’ll be able to bring her to the exhibition and show her my work!!

 
“Distant”

One of the two pictures submitted and this was the picture that got picked into me being a finalist.
This is my favourite shot among all the pictures I took for the competition because this was a risky shot. I was standing at the opposite street from where he was sitting and I was trying to frame a shot but couldn’t find a good composition so I moved closer and hid myself behind a bus stop or tram stop stand. I took this picture of him through the glass, he noticed me and yelled at me asking me to delete the picture. It’s film, I couldn’t just delete it so I turned around and just walk really quickly to save my life. My first encounter being yelled at for taking a photo and now this photo means too much to me!


“Resettled”

Second photo submitted which they marked into consideration as well.
This is Fitzroy public housing or sort of like housing for refugees (according to my mate) and when I went to this housing area, it is obvious that people who lives there aren’t Australian to begin with. So they’re building a home away from home which is why I used the title resettled.

They were 3 judges all together and I spoke to one of them at the opening which she proceeded to tell me that Michelle Mountain (funny name haha), the judge from CCP thinks that my ‘Resettled’ photo is fit to be place in contemporary magazine and all these while when she was talking I just kept mumbling ‘no way’ in my mind.
A HUGE THANK YOU to my mate for the push, really!

Besides this competition I also joined Slayer Latte Art competition two days ago without the intention of joining. I was just there to show support to two of my friends who were joining.
I saw them carrying goody bags and out of curiosity I asked what was inside.
They told me there’s a tamper that values at about $100 so me being the cheapskate me I asked how do they get the goody bag.
They answered, “Pay $20 to join the competition and you’ll get the goody bag.”
Okay I’ll pay and get the bag but I don’t want to join the competition, I think I must’ve repeated that for like 10 times.
They were all like you’ve paid for it, just go and try so alas I went and competed without having the intention to.

There were people like world latte art champion and another champion who designed her own jugs and shit and there I was with no preparation, with no personal jug whatsoever.
I was just borrowing jugs from other competitors haha, like serve me right for being such a cheapskate.

I was shaking terribly the first round but for some odd reason I beat my competitor and proceeded to next round. I was all ready to lose actually. There were a total of 128 competitors and probably about 200 people at the venue just looking at you pour your damn cup of latte art, what sort of stress have I gotten myself into. I have stage fright, I couldn’t even do presentation during my uni days in front of my own course mates and there I was doing my thing in front of so damn bloody many people.

I passed two rounds and I got into top 32 among 128 competitors which I am extremely proud of myself because being a person who actually have stage fright and have absolute no preparation (ie: training latte art for days) I think I really did pretty well. I guess it all comes down to really being comfortable with myself now. I feel like my stage fright weren’t an issue any more, sort of. Perhaps I’ve been way more open now to new people and experiences that I don’t see it as such a big issue any more.

At the end of the day I learned that sometimes it’s not so much about winning or failing but instead it is more about having that experience through walking the journey and knowing what’s your own worth and how far you’re standing right now.
If you have the same fear as me, I’d say go for it because you really really will never know.

Solitary Walker

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I’ve been asked what is my favourite photography genre a couple of times recently and my answer was always, “Well, I don’t really know. I shoot random things but I guess I prefer street photography if I have to pick one.”

I always thought that I have no favourite genre because truth be told I do shoot random scenes and things but now that I am taking this whole thing more seriously I realised my favourite genre is indeed street photography. Not landscape, not architecture, not portrait, nope.
Landscape bore the fuck out of me HAHA. It’s nice and all but I honestly don’t feel much.
As much as I see myself as an introvert half the time or to put it more accurately, an outgoing introvert I am actually a people person.

(Leica Z2X / Hillvale Sunny 16)

Deep down I am very drawn to people, human beings and I am often very curious.
Humans of New York is one of my favourite page because through Brandon Stanton’s lens and bravery (yeap it is bravery to me) I get to feed my curiosity towards human.
Through his work I’ve seen so many types of struggles that different people are suffering from and also through his work it tells me that there are good people around, believe in humanity and have faith.
Fucked up humans make me extremely sad but at the same time I am very hooked on trying to know why they’re actually fucked up.

That Friday when a speeding car ran over pedestrians during lunch hour near Bourke Street Mall.
(Leica Z2X / Hillvale Sunny 16)

Criminal minds for example, especially serial killers fascinates me in a way. Maybe I shouldn’t use the word fascinates as I may sound too creepy now but really, I can’t help but wonder what is going on in their mind. What sort of childhood did they had that disturbed them so much and turned them into a serial killer. Childhood makes or breaks our adulthood, that’s what I believe.
I didn’t have a very good childhood, (it wasn’t BAD bad but it wasn’t really good either) so it shapes me in a way that deep down, I am a little fucked up too.

I am super self conflicting, extremist to say the least and perhaps might have the tendency to be a bipolar too. I’m not going to tell you my dark side because sometimes I gave myself a wtf look too but I do have my dark side. Is that the reason why I am drawn to human beings, I don’t know?
I want to hear about all those interesting stories, about all the different lives people are living but if you come to me and have small talk, I will want to run away. Like just leave me alone.
I am a confusing soul.

Quiet streets, gloomy day, death of loved ones.
(Leica Z2X / Hillvale Sunny 16)

I’ve found out that the reason why I love street photography is because it is a social and solitary pursuit.
I could just be alone, wandering around streets and looking at the world through my lens and really just be in my own world.
At the same time I am surrounded by people walking to their destination, going about on their business and the world just keeps moving.
At this point of time I do not wish to be notice by people I am photographing because I do not have the courage but I guess I will take up the challenge so that I can capture a more intense emotion or chemistry. I would like to start building up my courage to walk closer to my subject.

Despite, life goes on…
(Fujifilm Mini Tiara / Agfa Vista 400)

How many times I so wish to be as courageous as Brandon and talk to people I took pictures of on the street but I fear and I often think too much. I just fear rejection, basically. Yeap rejection is the word.
When I was young I have this feeling of my mom rejecting me and it haunts me although I know she wasn’t doing it on purpose because now that I am an adult I know how hard it was for her to raise me and my brother alone especially when I am the black sheep of my small family.
I honestly am so afraid of that rejection feeling so I try my best to find validation and affirmation through whichever way that I can.

How many times have I stress over not having any talent when I was young, you have no idea.
Why do I not have any talent when I saw peers around me studying so well, playing musical instruments, drawing and whatsoever. Why does everything just seems so hard to me, I often try to figure it out because without a talent or something that I can be good at no one is ever going to validate me.
I needed that attention from somewhere else when I lost the attention my dad gave me.
That could even be why I used to cut myself in high school, I needed attention and caring from somebody else. Anybody else for that matter. Of course part of me wanted to really leave this world too because I was extremely stressful and depressed. My daily routine after school used to be: came home from school, grab my lunch, then wait for my mom to head to work, head to my bedroom, pulled all the curtains, listen to fucking sad music and cry my eyeballs out. I was about 14 to 15 back then.
Honestly it wasn’t a very nice feeling and perhaps because I’ve felt all these intense sadness so many times for so many different reasons I empathize people who’s having a hard time.

(Fujifilm Mini Tiara / Agfa Vista 400)

So whenever I see a sad face on the street especially homeless people, a huge part of me wants to go over and talk to them but for some reason I never end up doing it. Well I did, just once and it was because that homeless guy was very different from the other ones. He was extremely positive so he makes it easier for me to walk up to him. Other times I so wish to just stop and stand still, adjust my camera settings, focus and take a few photographs but at the same time I also find that it might be rude for me to invade their spaces. Most of the time I just stare at them for a little while, really wanting to take a picture but I moved on and go about what I was doing at that moment.

I personally have low confidence level which is something I dislike people to see through and all the photographers that I met, acquaintances and friends gave me assurance that I should give my work more credit and have more confidence in what I am doing.
I’m not a photographer, not an amateur photographer, not an aspiring photographer, but just someone who loves taking photographs that’s all.
And how you define a photographer is someone who actually earns money from selling photos or services, that’s a photographer. Not just someone who owns a camera.

(Fujifilm Mini Tiara / Agfa Vista 400)

If you’ve been a long enough reader or a close friend of mine you’ll know that I started out with my pink Sony point and shoot which I mainly used it to take shameless selfies (guilty as charged), tons and tons of party pictures and ugly food photos. It was few years after when my camera died on me I tried changing to a new one, a stupid Samsung that drove me nuts and I just stopped using it and use my iphone camera instead. Then I bought my Fuji XM1 here in Melbourne and later on sold it off to upgrade it to Fuji XT10 which I am currently using. All these while (besides that lousy Samsung camera) I always carry my camera with me, in and out. No matter where I go, my camera is always with me. Even if I am going out for a quick lunch or a short coffee session, I have it with me and it has been a habit of mine since my pink Sony days which was probably at least 8 years ago.

A photo of absolute no patience. 
( Fujifilm Mini Tiara / Agfa Vista 400)

But because I’ve since changed into a mirrorless and it is bulky to say the least I cant bring it with me to clubs any more (not that I even go all that often) so I made a decision if I have to go to places where I’ll look like an idiot with a bulky mirrorless I will bring my super compact Fujifilm Mini Tiara that uses film.
On normal days now especially when I am using a tote bag I will have two cameras with me, my digital Fuji and a film camera, whichever I feel like it (because I now have 13 film cameras with me)!

Maybe I will start challenging myself and try talking to random people that interests me, that feeds my curiosity. I’d like to curate something in the future too but I’m just really not there yet. I see photo shoots I like on the internet and keep it as my mood board and I could try to replicate it but at the end of the day it doesn’t speak to me even though it might turn out looking nice.
If I were to curate a series I want my pictures to speak on my behalf, to show the deepest side of me because really it takes a lot of time, patience and attention for a person to know the real me.
My mom don’t know me well enough, not even my siblings or my exes I dare say. Or perhaps even myself.

It’s a lonely journey but aim high. 
(Fujifilm Mini Tiara / Agfa Vista 400)

Taking photographs on the street gives me a sense of calmness. quietness despite the busy surroundings, and in a weird way I get to communicate with myself more.

(P/S: If you’re into this sort of stuff go watch Finding Vivian Maier!)

Wrong Way; Go Back

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Ilford XP2 disposable, ISO400.

Remember when I said I was stuck at a crossroad not moving forward?
As I sit here in my room typing this I can clearly tell you that this is not how I want to continue living my life anymore.
Yes no doubt I love what I am doing and I still love this city as much as I first fell for it but day in day out I feel like there are only so much I can deal with.

I WANT TO GO HOME.

Going home for good is the decision I’ve made for myself.
I didn’t realise how sad this decision can be until now, until my tears started flowing. Such bittersweet.
Sometimes I wonder, there are always choices for us humans to make but there are also times when no matter which choices you end up choosing, it’ll break your heart still in the end.
This is what I am feeling right now.

Yes I want to go home but going home breaks my heart too.
Has all these been nothing but just a dream? Is it time now to wake up from this dream I called mine?
I am trying to work around my new plan and hopefully by mid year I will be home for good.

Today has been an exceptionally gloomy day as something awful just happened in Melbourne city, nearby where I work. Long story short, a crazy guy ran over a lot of people with his car in the city and for now, 5 is pronounced dead including a young child. This is so so awful, I cant imagine what their family members are feeling right now.

This happened 5 to 10 minutes after my lunch break and if I were to make a different decision today by having my break 10 minutes later I would have witness it all.
I loitered around Bourke Street mall and that was what I planned to do so no matter what time I have my break, I will be on the street. Such simple decision could change a person’s life. I could witness the incident or I could be the injured one or even worse I could be the dead one.
Those who lost their lives, maybe if they make a different decision on where to grab their lunch they might have escape it.

This is the time when I realise that I really wish to be around my family or at least my mom. If I were to be that unlucky and got killed in the incident, who’s gonna find out? Honestly I feel so lonely here that if I were to have any accident at home and die, no one will find out till I rot and smell. I don’t wanna die in another country with no people who matters enough around me.

We humans often think that we’re invisible and whatever that is reported on the news wont happen on us. I am not being pessimistic but I had a taste of life since young and I know no one will be excepted.
Fact is our parents or siblings will die whether you like it or not and the idea of them passing when they’re 80 years old or when they’re old is just plain naive.
Who promised you that parents will only die when they’re old?
Who said that siblings wont die when they’re only in their 20s? Who said that our friends are immune to accident and sickness that they will have fun and laugh with us till we grow old?
Who said that we ourselves will have the chance to continue growing, get married, have kids, have grandkids and then only die?
No one ever said that.

I’ve seen people die and I am not even talking about the passing of old grandparents when I am in preschool sort of experience. I am talking about the closest person I could ever have and I was 12.
How can I not go home and spend as much time as I possibly can with my mom now that she is all I am left with?
Best city to live in, excellent delicious coffee, extremely good food and such good currency, none of these can exchange with the time I have left with my mom.
None of these matters enough.

This transition is gonna be hard but I will make it because I will always come back stronger.
Perhaps I should start appreciating my remaining time in Melbourne, just a couple of months left and I will close this chapter moving on to the next.
I am already thinking of refurbishing my room when I get back and get myself a dog! Heh.

I will find a way out of this, definitely will.
A reminder to all of you and I cant say this enough, please appreciate those around you especially your parents.
Our time here is short, way shorter than all of us imagine.

It’s me.

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I know I have been neglecting my blog ever since I came to Melbourne and I’m sorry for that if you’re hoping for a post or two.
Tonight I needed this space for me to pour my heart out to my dad.
Dear blog, I do miss you. The place that never fail to let me rant whenever I want, the place that I get to upload tons of photos and the place where I archive my memories. :)

Dear Baba,

I’m sorry I couldn’t visit you with mami and the brothers tomorrow.
Haha I don’t even know why am I such a crybaby, typing the first sentence already made me cry.
In 15 years this is the second time I am missing Ching Ming and both times, I’m in Melbourne.
I really wish to join them tomorrow and be the one to wipe your picture like how I’ve done so in the previous years.
I used to write you letters every year and secretly put it in that box which was meant to burn for you.
And in each letter I never fail to share with you which guy I like at that very moment, on who he is and how I really like him. Each time things never seem to turn out right with those guys and at one point I thought to myself, maybe you don’t approve of them hence why things never seems right. So I stopped writing you letters, letters that I was suppose to write to you once every year because I don’t want you to disapprove of the guys. That was the funny way I used to think while I was young. And true enough when I stopped writing you letters my relationship lasted for 3 years.
Thinking back right now, all these are nonsense. I was so young I don’t even know what I was thinking. I miss writing you letters, why did I stop doing that?
I couldn’t write you a real letter this year as much as I want to, so I’d assume with the no-limit-credit-card and huge chunks of money we burn for you, you’ll get yourself a laptop or ipad and some unlimited data. So I’ll assume that you will read this, okay?

I’ve changed from asking why you had to leave me so early to appreciating that 12 years of memories you gave to me. I know I am so lucky to at least have 12 years of memories and love from you compared to those who do not know their father or parents at all.
They say time heals everything. Yes, time does make things better. Time does heal but I’ll say, just a tiny bit.
Just like my finger, it looks okay from the outside but a scar will forever be there. I don’t feel the intense pain anymore compared to 8 months ago but whenever I accidentally hit it, the pain is still unbearable. My finger is still very sensitive to touch just like my bruised heart.

A small part of me died when you left and I know you wouldn’t want to see me this unhappy. I know you’ll be sad seeing me cry and grief and that makes me even sadder.
I may not have done my best to things I promised you like excelling in academics but I hope you will understand that I really am not born for this. I know you always mentioned to me how important studies are and that you wish that both me and brother will study hard because you couldn’t.
Dad I took interest in something else, I now love to cook and I so hope that you’re here to taste my food and give me feedbacks. It breaks my heart because there are so many things that I wish to share with you but I couldn’t.
I wish that I can always fall into your arms whenever I feel upset over my relationship, my friendship, my hardship but fact is I can’t.

I miss you so god damn much and as I continue with my life, building more memories I am so very afraid that my memories with you will slowly fade away. This scares me to no end as memories is the only thing I have of you right now.
I hope that you will enjoy some family time with mom and brothers tomorrow. I promise the next time I visit you, I’ll cook you some food.

I don’t know why I love you so much.
Please be my father my next life, I don’t want anybody else.

From your crybaby girl.

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