Yay, at last 2008 is coming to an end. Frankly speaking, this is the first time ever in my life where I am so looking forward to a new year.
Every time when the year is ending, I don’t really feel very happy about it because I will miss that year. Like when 2005 is ending, I will miss 2005 a lot because it is a great year for me.
But this year, no. Really, this is one of the worst year in my life.

Hmm, what have I really done in year 2008?
I broke up, I was alone. I cry so much in year 2008. I cry at college, I cry in my room, I cry when I bath, I cry in my friend’s car, I cry when I sing K, I cry everywhere. Luckily I’m over it now and I no longer cry cause of sohai (oops, sorry..lol), so freaking relieve.

Somehow when I lose something so important, I get to gain more friends. I know who really care about me and who treats me like a rubbish (like I really am deserve to be treated this way, wtf..fuck u). I found different groups of friends and here I wanna say a big thank you to you guys who is there for me no matter I’m sad or happy. Thank you to those who fetch me here and there, I really appreciate it a lot. :’)

As for trips, I went to Genting with my secondary friends, we call ourselves the Cheras Clan. I also went to Malacca with my girlfriends. I really have a lot of fun. :’D

Hmm, although this year sucks max, but still I have a lot of happy moments that I will never forget. No matter happy or sad, I remember every single thing. How some people try so hard to make me happy and also how some people use their best effort to make my life miserable. I remember it all. Grr…

<3 I'm really happy that this shit year will end in less than 24 hours. :'D A new year means a new resolution, as always. Okay, lets see my resolution for 2009.. * I want to be a happier person, free from all those stupid retarded stuff that those stupid retarded people bring to me. Hmm, in another words I want to control my own emotions and not other people controlling it. * Complete my room a.s.a.p! * I want to get better results for my Year 3 subject. * Buy myself a Sony Vaio, hopefully by April. * Exercise!!! Badminton maybe, jogging maybe, or sit up also can la.. * Oh boy, I wish to go to Thailand. I wanna go shopping at Thailand. * I wanna go to a beach. I want, I want, I want. * I want to earn more money, I want money. $.$ * I want my face to be skinnier, I want to grow taller, and I want my boobs to be bigger. lol, wtf.. Okay, I'm just joking..............or maybe I'm not. lol * I want world peace and also I hope everyone will love out environment more. <3 That's all I can think of at the moment. Might add more if something comes into my mind. All in all, I wanna be a better person. :') Oh man, I'm so gonna celebrate new year tonight. To be honest, I have not celebrate new year in my entire life. I'm from kampung, lol.. Yay yay, I'm so excited already. Everyone, lets celebrate the coming of 2009 together. :'D Cheers~~

How do you spend your Christmas eve?
How do I spend my Christmas eve?

I went over to Starbucks. Alone.
Ordered a hot Caramel Macchiato, sit down, and looked around. My eyes are searching for something, I am searching for something. I try to look around and see if there is anyone alone too, just so that if there is any, I know that I’m not the only one being alone which somehow makes me a little more calm.
But none. No one is alone except me. How pathetic.

I brought over two books. One for me to write and another for me to read. I scribble every thoughts down and when I’m done, I shift to the other book and start reading. This is how I spend my Christmas eve.
I just sit there alone, seeing people come and go.

Well, there are a lot of things I wanna say at first but on second thought, it is not needed. I try to pass the message, but I guess I fail miserably again. Its been quite a number of times already, I keep failing. All my messages seems to vanish somehow. Did you get me? Did you get my god damn message? I’m not talking about sms, in case you misunderstood. Do I need to fucking (sorry) draw the person together with the intestine? (Its somekind of Chinese idiom.)
Stupid shit, just let me use the word fuck.

Do you know what fucking day is today?
Why when I’m on the verge of recovering, there is always things like this that will pull me down again?

I went home really late just now. Somehow when I am walking back home, I wish that I die all of a sudden. Freak, I know.
Don’t bring me back to the stage where I keep thinking of dying, can?
You know I am like that. You know I am fucking emo, to the extend where I get so fucking annoyed at my own emo-ness I feel like slapping myself, damn it. Fucking sucks to be me, anyone wanna trade?

I wont be emo for 24/7 but when I am emo, my thinking can go fucking extreme. Please god, when can you stop doing this to me? I don’t wanna blame but I just want that tiny weeny bit of happiness, I just wanna borrow that few hours, or maybe even one hour will do, why cant I have it? If its so hard for me to have that tiny happiness, you might as well take away my bloody life.

I feel so fucking unwell now, all I want is to go to bed.
Sometimes, somethings when you don’t do it now, you can never do it later. Somethings are already too late. Too late, really.
(But then again, I’m a weak person. Most of the time when I have firm thinking, I always cant do what I say. I don’t wanna care, fuck I still care. I don’t wanna talk, fuck I still talk. Wheres my determination?
Heck care. Whats on my mind right now is that everything is too late now.

I don’t wanna pass any message anymore. You cannot decode it, no point.
Sigh, never mind I’ll just take it as my problem, maybe I’m fucking bad at encoding.
Whether its your problem or mine, I’m tired. I need a break.

Merry Christmas people. Merry Christmas.
Its 3.18 am now, I’m off to bed.

P/S: I really struggle for a while thinking if I should say it all here. Some things are better left unsaid, but is this one of those? Do I make the right decision this time? I tried, I fail. I try again, I fail again. I don’t know, but I’m really tired.

Oh ya, since Christmas sucks, I bet my Chinese New Year and Valentines Day will sucks max too. Hooray.

Boo : (
Sigh, I knew its gonna be like that. I knew it.
Movie day? So so only, especially when the movie has got nothing to rave about and I also didn’t get to go for my tarot reading. : (

Shopping day? Sucks even more. I thought I’m gonna be so happy because I get to be with my darlings the whole day but then it turns out sucky. I don’t know. Maybe I am over reacting over such a small matter but somehow when it means a lot to me, I never see it as a small matter in my eyes. I am really upset. I really am. : (

Sigh, did not capture any pictures as I do not have the mood to do so. So, no pictures for today. : (

Erm….. sigh… I’ve already told you how I feel about it, why am I so upset about it and if you still couldn’t get me and understand me, then just be it. I cant expect you to understand me totally. I’m wrong when I thought that you will understand me inside out. Its Ok if you don’t because if both cannot change, then the best way is to tolerate. You know I do care for you too, right? Every single time when you just walk out like that, it makes me so upset. Why things seems to be so complicated or is it just me?

I think I’m heading over to Poppy tonight. I’ve got extra 2 days off again. Its been 5 months since I last club, a little fun is just what I need right now. Since the last 2 days are like hell, I’m so gonna get the fun back tonight. Don’t wanna give a damn anymore, I just want to have some fun.
Not sure if there will be any last minute canceling, but erm.. anything will do. If not clubbing, then it will be sleeping. I’m exhausted. : (

Why the hell am I being moody over such things? Such stupid things. Why am I being so selfish here?
What is wrong with me? I don’t wanna be selfish, I don’t.
Is it because somehow this means something to me?
Is it because I am so looking forward to it and when things changed, I get moody?

I know, it is. I don’t like it this way.
Shit, its because I’ve forgotten about it. I was too excited.
I should expect the opposite, expect shit things to happen. I forgot, damn it.

I’m not happy. I feel like staying in bed for the whole day and not going out to shop or whatever it is anymore.
I don’t wanna be moody but I cant help. Maybe I’ll get better when I woke up from bed later.
But now, everything seems so sucky. Sucks max.
I’m sorry, I am selfish.

Wow, what an awful day today.

I just try to explain myself and this is all I get from you. Maybe sms-ing you is wrong.
I know to you I seems stupid and I am stubborn and I never learn and so on and so forth.
To you, I am just bullshitting.

But have you really sit down and really ask me properly why would I want to do that,
before you scolding me and saying me bullshitting? Did you really sit down and listen to me. explaining my feelings and the reason I want to do it? Do you know each and every sms you reply hurts so bad? Maybe what I want to do is really stupid, but why cant you let me tell you how I really feel only you tell me maybe I really shouldn’t do that. Why must you scold me to such extend?

You are disappointed and unhappy with me. You keep saying I don’t learn. You say that I choose to think of unhappy stuff. You really think I wanna be so unhappy?
When I saw what you wrote, I try to think of happy stuff. But I can’t think of any. Yah, this might seems to be a bullshit to you again. What happy stuff? Happy stuff like going for a movie and yam cha? Think of those stuff? I try to think so hard what happy moments I have. Yes, there is quite a lot for the pass few years, the time where me and him together. Thats the only happy things I can think about. But when things end this way, do you think I can be happy?
I thought you know it, very clear that this whole incident rarely makes me happy anymore.

You think I choose to be unhappy? You think me having depression is because I am stubborn?
Do you think if I pretend to be happy, it will be better?
You really really think I wish to be unhappy and I want it this way?
And I didn’t thought I am the only person with sadness, just that I cant control my sadness.
What you want me to do? Is acting happy the way?

And, I didn’t decide the thing will make me regret. I am considering it. I am trying not to make myself regret, that is why only I think. Its not like I’m getting it done the next second. I am still thinking. I did really think, but of course to you, my thinking is not thinking at all. Why can’t you talk nicely to me, just like a friend suggesting me to get a temporary one and see the feeling first before I really go get a permanent one. Why must you be so harsh on me?

Each of the sms you send me bring tears to my eyes. I eat with my friend, I talked to him and I cry. He asked me why am I crying. I cant answer him exactly but I am very very sad. No, its not because of ‘him’ that I’m crying. I asked myself, somehow its because of you.

Always and always I try to explain my feeling to people, explaining what I am thinking. But most of the time people just don’t get me and think I sucks. But you, the one who knows everything, the one who I’ve talked to all this while no matter I’m sad or happy, I thought you will understand me.
But until the end of the day, none understands me.
What brokes my heart is that even you don’t understand my feeling. Even you thinks that what I’m saying is pure cock.

Wow, wow, wow. What a great wake up slap. Now I know none of you people understands me at the end of the day.
I know by now, you still thinks that I’m bullshitting. No longer matters, I’m tired of explaining already. If you think I am like the way you think I am, then continue. I am really tired.

My blog, is a place for me to put down my journeys, and my thoughts.
I used to write my feelings into my diary and now I’ve substitute it with this blog.
But I think this might be a rather stupid act because what things I say, people will thinks that I am bullshitting. I am not allow to be unhappy.

I don’t think I ever want to put down my thoughts in this blog again. Really very heartbreaking when you just want to try to make people understand your feelings when in the end what you get is people telling you that you are stupid.
Telling people how I feel, what I think is probably not what you guys wanna see.
I just try to be true but I guess that is not needed.

Sometimes you people ask me not to blame myself but at the same time you people are fucking me.
Guess in the end, it is still my problem. Yah, my problem.
I cannot be unhappy in front of people. I will just keep that to myself and only myself.
For this blog, I’ll just post some retard camwhore pictures or maybe nothing at all.

And thanks for all your fucking and bullshitting and stupid and all.. It did really slap me hard to realize that even you will not understand me, what more other people.
Its up to you if you do not want to care about me anymore. If you want a bye, then bye.

P/S: Might be my last stupid post of what I’m thinking. I should go and search for a new diary.