Thoughts

I Did Nothing

Where shall I start?
I don’t know what I’ve been doing for the past few days. I basically did nothing.
I procrastinate everything.
I stay inside my room, feeling really blank. I try to keep myself away from the real world, keep myself away from all those assignments, all those headaches.
Because I feel so so stress for the past week, I avoid everything possible.
And here I am, still doing nothing.

I cant continue this way, I know. But its so hard, so so hard.
I think I really have to force myself again after today. Gosh, how I wish my holiday is here.

I keep on day dreaming these days, I don’t know where my brain is heading to.
Too much nonsense, really. I can never seem to concentrate on my work.
I only concentrate on one useless thing. Gawd, I feel like shit right now.

Anyway, heres last week’s picture. Went to Poppy after Ken’s birthday for Lun and Stephen’s birthday.
Birthdays, birthdays, and birthdays. Didn’t get to take any picture in the club, most of them are drunk when we arrive.

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* We camwhore…..

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* …..while we’re talking about some serious issue.

I feel so blur right now.
Will both of you please talk to me.
Please.

P/S: Last night’s dream is effing scary. Can’t you just leave me alone? Must you creep into my dream and do this kind of stupid stuff to me? Gosh, you idiot!!

Life is Complicated

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It looks like most of my recent post are all about pictures and only pictures.
Talking about where I’ve been, what I’ve done for the entire day and shits like this.
Most of the time, I sit in front of the computer typing away things I feel like saying and few seconds later, I backspace everything. Stare at the computer, wondering why am I backspacing those words.
I don’t want my blog to be yet another boring blog with stupid camwhore pictures, but then I ponder if I should let people know my thinking and feelings like I normally would.
I never thought of it as anything, until one day when my friend told me that its rather stupid to let people know what I’m thinking. Because that way, people will know my weakness and the big bullies will try every possible way to bring me down.

Its a cynical world out there, someone once told me. Its a very scary world. No one can protect me, only me myself.
But the question is, how? I never learn. I never never learn.
Yes, people hurt me and I will get angry right then. But then after weeks or months, I can easily forget all the shit things that these people have once done.
I always say karma, I believe in karma. But when karma really happen, when I see these people experiencing the not so good moment of life, I don’t feel happy.
I thought I’ll be really happy when karma really hits back, but I feel sorry. I just don’t want to see these people upset and struggle in their live.
I don’t know whats wrong with me. I should hate these people, I should. But instead, I feel so sorry and I feel like being there for these people. They might not need me, but I just don’t feel nice about it. I think I’m out of my mind.

My friends almost slap me on my face when they heard this. Where on earth can you find a person stupid-er than me?
People always tells me that I’m naive. Since what? Since I’m Form 2, I heard this phrase till now.
I’m stupid, I’m naive, I’m someone who can be cheat on easily. I just want everything to be easier.
I just want to make friends and trust them, but now….I have to keep telling myself, ‘you better see properly first, you better not trust them fully, you better this.. you better that..’
What the heck, why la? Why cant everyone be nice?
In my context, it is this way; when I treat people nice, people will treat me nice. But then no, this is not the real world.
Even if you treat someone nice, they can still step on your head and shit on it, without feeling guilty at all.
I really dislike analyzing so much before we can truly be friends or anything, but this is the way it should be in order to protect myself. Super complicated stuff.
I think it’ll take me years before I can really get the hang out of it, knowing which person is the one to keep and which person I should never put my trust on.

Its time for a change. Its time to really grow up and get out of my comfort zone. Its time to get out and really see how ugly this world can be. Its always better to hurt other people than to let people hurt you. Maybe I should really learn how to be an evil person, but this is never my thing. Everything is about strategy, its a game.
Even if you were to like someone, you have to bla bla bla, before you bla bla bla, in order to bla bla bla and then you bla bla bla. What the heck, so complicated.
I prefer high school life, everything is so simple back then. Argh….. I seriously hate this.

But anyway, I really want to thank my friends for scolding me stupid or else, I wouldn’t realise how stupid I was.
My friends feel unhappy when they see me act this way, its like I’m letting people to hurt me or something. : (
I’m so sorry… I was so speechless last night. Boo…

Some stuff is bothering me at the moment. Nothing major, but it keeps popping out in my mind.
I’m so focus, I cant seem to concentrate on doing other stuff. It takes time to achieve what I want, I’ll be patience this time. : )

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* Tell me, do I look like a very easy to bully girl? -.-

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* My room is too dark and I did not use flash, hence the low quality picture.

What do you guys say? Are you the very careful type? Or are you the silly and naive type, just like this dumb ass here.

A year has gone by…

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….and I feel really relieve.

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….and I’m awaiting for a better one.

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….but the memories are still there.

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….but is it really a year?

P/S: Thanks Mr. Blackie for being with me that day, the flowers are really pretty. : )

Play hard = Work hard

Ok, what the hell is wrong with the damn line?
I’ve been wanting to post this blog for days and when I finally have the time to do so, the line decide to die on me.
I cannot upload pictures at all and its irritating me. Grr..

I’ll post it tomorrow, super waste time can.
I’ve spend my whole day reading book and doing my assignment. : )
I’m such a good girl, right? (self praise, wtf.)

Since I’m going to clubs quite frequently these days, I better study harder to balance up.
If I want to play hard, I gotta study hard as well. : )

Jones really opened up my mind.
Like what he said, its either I aim for the highest or I don’t aim anything at all.
I really doubt myself, I doubt my ability.
However, doubting myself shouldn’t be an excuse.
I wanna aim for the highest, I want to get a first class honours degree. Don’t laugh.
I know this sounds funny, thats why I really doubt myself.

I’m gonna work really really hard this time, I hope I can really discipline myself.
I will give my best effort. : ) *pray pray pray, wtf*
Oklah, enough of my crapping. I’ll blog again tomorrow.
Good nights, adios.

A Little Emo

Very very exhausted.
Mind and body.

At times I know what I’m doing is wrong but I cant help myself.
I don’t feel happy 24/7, although I’m not that emo anymore, but I still tend to get upset.
When I’m upset, I’ll tend to put other people down so that I can feel better, especially people I dislike.
I really don’t like things being this way and I don’t like myself being this way.
I really don’t want myself to be such a bad person, I really don’t.
I feel unhappy and a little lost at the moment.

What can I do or what shall I do?
I know, its the past. Let it be, but I’m upset.
Very very upset. : (
All these shits that happen to me, really make me crumble.
You, him, another him, her, her, her, her, and they.

I’m a little emo these two days because of the dream I dreamed of few days ago. Today I dream of you and I miss you so darn much, and the next day I dream of him.
Sigh, I need my friends to be here for me at this moment. : (

I’ll try to cheer up.
Anyway, I’m a good girl today. : )
I force myself to wake up this morning and go for my four hour class, without my friends. They skipped class. *_*
I’ve got two assignments due next week, oh my god.
I hope I can go party with friends this week, me not happy.
Faster finish up my assignments and go play after that. : )

Its getting late, nights.

My words

Stop giving me all the bullshits already.
I never want to hear anything from you again.
Enough is enough.
Your thinking is your thinking, mine is mine and if you think what you do is right, by all means go ahead.
Every single words from you, before or after is making no sense.

Seriously, you need not explain anymore and I do not think you have anything to explain either.
Its not don’t know how, its that you cant.
Yes, you asked me to put myself in your shoe.
You think I didn’t care for your feelings? Do you really think so?
I cared for your feelings. You want answer, I give you my answer without lying at all.
I see you suffering, I asked if you want me to leave and you said no. Didn’t I care for your feelings?
Even if my caring didn’t make you feel any better, but I really did tried.
Do you think I’m the kind of person who like to make another person’s life miserable?
I’m sorry if I did but I do not have the intention to do so.
Don’t you know me well enough?

But why didn’t you put yourself in my shoe?
Its not about how good you treat me. I can never deny that, you indeed treat me very good.
But behind of all these, isn’t there something else?
After knowing so much, it just don’t seems like it.
If you weren’t comfortable when you are with me, then just tell me.
Stop making me guess, I hate guessing game.

You wasn’t comfortable but you keep your damn mouth shut.
What about me? I never thought of you being not comfortable.
So i just wait…………………and wait.
And in the end what I got?
Just because of you being not comfortable and not telling me the truth, I have to go through all those heartbreaks myself.
You think I can actually endure that, do you?

Just because you are not him, doesn’t mean the pain you bring is any lesser.
Its actually not that bad in the first place, but you just keep making things worst.
When you try to explain, when you try to give me those excuses with your damn tone, with E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E thing you said, things just get worse and worse.

I don’t get it why you find it so damn hard to tell me the truth.
You assume people will be like this also, you assuming if people were in your situation, they will find it hard to tell the truth.
No, its not.
Its nothing hard and I don’t know why you find it so hard.
I don’t get it why you have the guts to make the decision and do it, but you do not have the guts to tell me.

I do not wish to say anything anymore as I can see, it will not make any difference.
To you, you already have that thinking.
You can’t tell in the first place, put myself in your shoe, and many more which I don’t even feel like remembering.

No more excuse, no more explanation.
Whats done is done, whats said is said.
I need a break from you or else I will be even more piss off.
Thanks for making my life miserable like my life is not miserable enough, how nice of you.
Keep those bullshits to yourself, thank you.

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