Thoughts

A Conversation with Myself

me: oh hie there!

me: er… hie…

me: how are you feeling?

me: shitty!

me: do you think you’ll get crazy someday because you get upset over small issues or worst still, over nothing at all?

me: mm hmm.. *nods head* how?

me: ask yourself how.

me: that’s why i’m asking you how!

me: right! why do you get upset over little issues?

me: because i care? yes, i do care.

me: then why aren’t you telling people or to whom it may concern that you’re feeling upset over those issues?

me: because i dare not. i’m afraid you see..

me: afraid? of what?

me: afraid of shit happening? because when i keep silent, shit wont happen.

me: this isn’t you right?

me: the new me perhaps.

me: new you? since when?

me: hah! i don’t even know since when man. shocked you? because it shocked me somehow..

me: oh boy, yes it really shocked me.

me: changed without myself even realising.

me: from what to what?

me: from someone who must explain herself and letting people know her feelings/thoughts to someone who keep quiet even when stuff upset her. .. to someone who just follow, go along with it and say okay okay even when its not okay.

me: why?

me: i’m afraid, thats why.

me: afraid again?? of what?? gosh..

me: of everything. every single thing! afraid of history repeating itself, afraid of hearing any harsh words from people i love or whatsoever.

me: wow! vulnerable.

me: yeah.. one minute i laugh, the other minute i feel like shit.. then i laugh again.. its k-r-a-z-y!

me: do you need a psychologist?

me: wtf?! no!!

me: sure?

me: hmm… perhaps i do..

________________________________

如果我不是我 其实会怎么样?
有沒有人要做周碧琪?
我真的很累!

don’t worry! i’m still sane afterall.. .
hur hur, it took almost one hour for me to write these chinese words..
but i’m proud cause i can build sentences.. *flips hair* wtf!!

Hating the fact…

Tell me.
The problem lies in me, isn’t it?
It is always me.
I thought it wasn’t me, but it’s me.
Again and again.

From nothing into something.
Even the slightest thing can affect me so much.
What actually made me into who I am today?

No, wait. I know what changes me, I know.
Just that I didn’t realise the impact was this big.
In the end, it is my problem.
I hate the fact that I’m always the problem maker.
I hate the fact that I’m always being so paranoid.
I hate the fact that I am me.

I can’t change the situation, all I can do is change my thinking.
Or change myself.

Just before he ✈…

Its been a week since he left.
I wonder now, is time passing slowly or the other way round. Hmm…
I did really feel emo the first two days, turning me into a very cranky girl.
Everything just seems so out of place, everything he said sounds not right. :X
But lucky I’m aware of that and I stop myself from acting that way. *adjust adjust*

We’re doing great now. :*)
I just wish we can make it through together.
He’s a darling really, always making me smile and at the same time very silly. :’D

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* I knit and finished the scarf for him. <3 dsc03938copy
* bii, I hope this can keep you warm on behalf of me. hee (:

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* At the airport with his heng dais.

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* I didn’t cry at the airport. *claps* :’D …..but I cry in the car and when we hug at home. *boo* lousy lar me..

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* me miss you deep deep. :3

He’s a dumbo too because he didn’t know where the above picture is taken. :

You came unexpectedly…

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* How far can we go?

I never see it coming.
I’ve been always chasing one thing.
That one damn thing that I try so hard to reach for; happiness. Or perhaps, love.
I’ve been chasing after the things that I really want, or rather people that I really like.
Somehow, all these things always fail on me.

And when it comes to you, I already given up chasing.
I’m tired.
It never came out as I expected, or rather I didn’t even expect anything in the first place.
I thought to myself, luck wouldn’t be on my side as always. I didn’t even bother to add you up on msn.
I didn’t expect seeing you at Decanter and when you sit beside me and talked to me, I feel happy.
I thought maybe I can add you on msn and we can be friends.
What shocked me more is that you agree to go to MOS with me and my friends. I thought you wouldn’t. (:
Well, that night was history.. Haha..

Your sms-es accompanied me through the Langkawi trip especially that sleepless night.
We had our deal, I bought you chocolate and you bought me cake. (:
And oh, we watched Drag Me To Hell, I didn’t know you were kind of afraid. Are you afraid? The handkerchief and the old lady? Hahaha..
I was thinking, is this yet another disappointment like always or was it something else?

Till you pop up that question before you leaving to Langkawi, I know it wasn’t another disappointment.
You spend your entire week with me after you came back from Langkawi.
I feel like we’ve been together for months but in fact, we’ve been together for less than 2 weeks.
You’re so different from what I used to have. Although you’re a big bully and always bully me, but I know that you treat me really well. :*)
I’m bless to have you in my life actually but if you ask me, I’ll tell you that I’m kinda afraid.
My past experience somehow kills me.
I hope we can make it through or more like, I can make it through.

It doesn’t matter how long we last, or maybe it does. But what matters now is that I have you and I’m happy.
I don’t know how deep is my feelings because things happen sooo fast but I know I really like you.
I rather love you with all my heart than not loving you at all.
But seriously, I wish we can last.
I’m not feeling emo or anything, I just feel like writing before I go to bed.
I wonder what lies ahead of us, I’m very afraid.

P/S: I miss you.

Talking about being rich…

Are you rich? How does one exactly define rich?
I’m not rich, definitely. But people always give me that ‘yah-right’ kind of look when I told them that I do not have money.
I don’t know what makes them think that I actually have the money. To be frank, my damn account is left with Rm400 and I’m gonna go into money crisis once again very soon.

Yes, my family used to be somewhat rich but not anymore when dad is gone. Not really THAT rich, but the normal kind of rich where my dad and mom still afford to use branded stuff like LV and what not.

I once said this to my brother, how nice it is if dad is still here because I’ll have the chance to get license and he’ll buy me a car. What is better is that I’ll get to go overseas and pursue my studies, my dream and hope of becoming a fashion designer. Or at the minimum, I’ll get to have the pink Sony Vaio that I’ve been eyeing on forever.
My brother replied, ‘How sure are you that dad will be this rich after so many years? A lot of things are unpredictable. You’re rich today doesn’t mean you’re rich tomorrow.’
It shocked me. What he said was indeed very true, why didn’t I thought of that.

I’ve seen some really rich people, I’ve got a few really rich friends. How rich?
Some are daughters and sons of a very well known brand, very rich. Some has got a cupboard full of Gucci, LV, and what not. Some to the extend where they sometimes spend around Rm20k a month. That is friggin’ rich if you ask me.
But these are nice people to be friends with because they are really humble people.
You know, I’ve always have this thing going inside of me where I’m afraid and kind of dislike to mix with really rich people because I’m afraid they might look down on me. Really, I feel very very insecure.
But these people are just too nice to let me feel this way, they are great friends. Rich but humble. (:

And then, the interesting part. I’ve seen some rich people but not as rich as the above if were to compare, keep boasting about themselves until the extend where you’ll get really speechless.
I understand. When you’re rich, you tend to show it off a little bit because you want people to know. The status, I really understand. Its human nature to show off, it gets to give you that extra bit of confidence.
Like if you’ve just bought a really nice shirt, you’ll want to wear it out to show it to your friends a little bit.
Of course, you don’t go around saying, ‘Look at my new shirt, I just bought it and I know it look so darn good on me. Gosh, I’m so handsome..’. I suppose that sentence will stun your friend a lot, lol.
I’m not sure if you’ve met this kind of people, but they can really go overboard and be so extreme. Like I just said, its not wrong to be confident and showing it off a little bit but when you say things like, ‘I can’t help being this rich..’, it can get on people’s nerve sometimes.

Well, you’re rich and you have the rights to boast about how rich you are. What rights you don’t have is to step and discriminate people who is less fortunate as you are, who is not as rich as you are. What more when the one who is rich is your parents and not you. Boasting about how rich you are is not a sin, but discriminating people this way is a sin.
Please, you don’t go around telling people how rich you are and asking people to back off and get lost when they are not as rich. No, don’t do that please.
I don’t get it why will one wanna look down on people who is not as rich as they are.

You know, you’re just boasting using your parents money. What is there to be proud of?
You don’t go around boasting about your ten Gucci bags that your parents bought for you. You should boast about it when in the future you use your hard earn money to buy that Prada bag.
Everyone is materialistic but materialistic doesn’t equals to bitchy. When you act this way, you’ve got no idea how people look at you and what they say behind your back. Truth to be told, you are humiliating yourself.

Money come and go, you’ll never know when. Don’t discriminate because you’ll never know when people will discriminate you back.
Goshes, grow up! Please, be good and nice to people.
“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” and vice versa.

Protected: Yes, I miss you.

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