Boo !
Yes, as you all can see this is my previous Facebook profile picture. (:< I know my friends don't like this profile picture of mine. They told me its scary. But for some reason I like it. A lot. It feels very me. Because deep down I'm feeling that way. Like a dead zombie or whatever it is. Everyone asked me to change it but I just didn't want to. I like it sooooo much really, haha. But I've finally changed it today. To a more 'cheerful' looking me. (: I'm trying to search for that hyper little girl. Must have lost somewhere. Life may be sad, but its always beautiful . ♥

I just saw a fucking awesome quote .

“Don’t you think it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?”
— Audrey Niffenegger (The Time Traveler’s Wife)

Oh man, don’t you think so ?
Still, it’s your say .

Nights darlings .
:]

I’m a very superstitious girl.
And as I’ve always mentioned, a very paranoid girl as well.

You put a fengshui master or psychic or anyone who has the ability to so call read the future, I’ll turn myself into a little girl and ask non-stop.
Just that day, I was sitting with some friends and so happen one of them have the ability to read, sort of like a fengshui master.
I asked non-stop. What does my ear say about me? What does my nose say about me? What does my forehead say about me? I pay so much attention to what he said. I think I pay more attention to him than my lecturers, wtf.

Then I asked him, what will I be in the future. He said housewife.
I wanted to be a housewife actually. I’ve always wanted to stay at home and cook dinner while waiting for the husband to come back.
But then again if I were to be a housewife, what about my dream?

My dream of becoming the world-famous fashion designer. I sometimes feel like laughing at myself for dreaming the impossible. Me? Fashion designer? World famous? I must be kidding.
I can’t even draw. I’m not even creative.
Yah, that’s why it’s called a dream cause I’m dreaming.

I asked him if I can be a designer. He said, ‘Never mind. Mass comm is good for you. Designer, cant lar.’
My heart sank straight away. I hope he didn’t notice that.
I asked him again hoping that he’ll tell me something different this time.
He showed me an example, ‘You see like this guy siting opposite of you, he can be a great designer if he wants to. He’s got his own way. He wont bother what you tell him, he’ll just do what he wants.’

Then I thought to myself, I’m not like that. I bother what others say. I’m always a follower, not leader.
I follow trend, I don’t create the trend. I just follow.
Whereas designer is the creator, not follower. If you ask me to draw, I cant. I’ll go blank, I don’t know what to draw. But if you ask me to copy, I can.

Is this the reason why I cant be a designer?
You know, at the beginning of this post I wanted to say I don’t care whether others tell me that I can or I cant, I’ll still go for it. For I believe that if I really work hard, I can get what I want. Or at least I fail knowing that I try my best.

But my emoness fail me once again. I feel like letting go my dream. I feel like telling myself to stop dreaming and just do what I already am doing. Finish my damn degree and work 9-5, or worst still 9-10.

What more, I have to go earn money for the course if I really want to study design.
It makes it even more harder than it already is.

But I don’t want to be a nobody. I want to be a somebody. I don’t wanna be just another girl you know.
I’m afraid to try. I’m afraid to fail. Yet I don’t wanna be a nobody.
So contradicting.

I no longer know what I want. I don’t even believe in myself anymore.

I want to blog. Blog about my 21st birthday party but my cable is downstairs and its late now, I’ve got not much energy left in me.

I just wanted to blog. To write something.

Well well, I wonder how long it takes for me to let go the grudges completely.
It is indeed kind of annoying when every time I thought I’m over this shit , I actually am not.
Days later when I accidentally come across things related to you, I feel the pain all over again.
Not to say pain but that very uneasy feeling ,you know.

Deep down, I really really don’t want to be angry at you and at the whole incident.
Because I do like you. Whether as a friend or not, I like this person. This person is you.
Argh. I just don’t know how to describe the whole situation, the exact feeling I’m having.

Sigh, but I remember what harsh word you once said.
You really put me in such a dilemma situation.
Forgive and forget? I’m not sure if I can.

I do still think of you. I miss you.

It’s finally my turn.
And I can’t believe it.
Seriously, time passes faster than it should.

I feel happy and excited last week because my birthday is finally coming.
But I started to feel really weird yesterday.
I don’t want my birthday to come. I’m not too sure why.
Like suddenly I’m not feeling that happy anymore.

I don’t even know why my birthday reminds me so much of you.
I still remember what you said to me on msn about my birthday back then. Back then when we were still friends.
Missing you at this very moment is not gonna do me any good, it pulls down my mood.

And I miss dad too. Which makes me feel even worse.
I’m gonna be a grown up after the clock strikes 12, dad.
10 god damn years without my dad celebrating my birthday with me.

Shit. I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
I should feel happy. Gah! ):

I don’t know what else to say.
I’m not ready to turn 21. I’m not ready for my birthday. I’m not ready for my birthday party.
I just don’t want it to come.

Because when it’s finally here, it just means the end is at the corner.

The usual pessimistic Peggy Chow, signing off.