i cried.
first time of the year.

the song that is currently playing brought me to tears.
how the lyrics exactly describe the me back then. how very me.
all the memories came flashing back.

so vivid.
so vivid that my tears started rolling down . my heart ache.
no. not that kind of ‘you broke my heart into a million of pieces’ kind of shit heartache.
no. this is not some lovey dovey shit.

you know how when you watch a movie.
when the story goes perfectly fine .how so beautifully written and in a split second .tragedy hits.
that kind of heart ache.

the feeling of disappointment. i never in my life feel this disappointed before.
so very disappointed till i cry.

my friend disappoint me. a friend who i use to grow up together with.
who changed so much. from good to bad. from bad to worse.
from someone who is so like-able. to someone that you can hardly find a thing to like about.

i asked myself why. why did you turn into such a person.
am i to blame? am i the cause of your suffering?
a part of it yes. but to come to think of it .what resulted me in causing your suffering?
i guess you know it better than i do.

all the memories. so sweet yet so bitter.
it hurts to see a friend like you turning into a person like such.
are you truly happy?
you’re living in your own world. you shut your real self away.
you pretend. right?

i don’t know if you’re feeling sad. but me seeing you acting this way.
definitely made me tear.
it feels like. i lost a close friend. a very close friend.
not a very good feeling i must say.

i’m stupid enough to say all this. stupid enough to cry. stupid enough to feel upset.
but since i’m already that stupid. so just let me finish this.
stop doing that anymore. bring back the old you.

i hope my post did slap you hard. wake up already.
go. breakdown and cry. and lock this not-so-new you into a dark box .and bring back your old self.

i can only do this much.
i’m not gonna go any closer. i cant.
and im not willing to put myself out .just to get myself all hurt again.

really. there’s no more trust left. no more love.
there’s only this much.
you take care. friend.

how so ironic .
i strongly dislike mom comparing me with whoever it is .but here i am..
comparing myself with someone else.

injecting in negative thoughts almost every second.
i understand how all the ‘people like you for who you are .and not for who you’re not’ kind of thing works.
but i just couldn’t bring myself to apply it at times.

these people who i compare myself with always seems so great .great in every sense.
so, where do the-not-so-great-me stand?

________________________________________________________________________

i’ve been going out so much .i almost feel guilty for not staying at home.
going out for birthdays. for house warming. for christmas stuff hunting. for christmas. for party and whatnot.
i’m quite worn out from all these activities. and no, it ain’t gonna stop here.
i still have a birthday party to attend tonight and also not to forget our new year eve.

december is meant to party, haha. i can rest when january comes. :X
i’ve got some pictures. cheah’s house warming and loo’s birthday but i’m a little too lazy to upload it here.
you can check it out at facebook, :P

i gotta continue resizing and editing my pictures.
till then. ♥

why are you always picking on me?
you’re always picking about something. something about me.
why me ?

do you really hate me that much?
you constantly compare me with my cousin sisters, why is that so?
is there really nothing about me for you to be proud of?
i live my own life, you don’t expect me to follow everything you want me to be.

you just have to accept the fact that your daughter, ME is not an A-student.
nor am I a daughter who wakes at 8am, sleeps at 10pm.
work 6 days a week or whatsoever.
Sorry to disappoint you, i really am not that kind of person.

same goes to you.
i just have to accept that you will never give me allowance anymore and seriously, i accepted all the shits from you long ago.
i know you like to pick on me, well fine i try to keep quiet. i tolerate.
but can you please tolerate with me too.

can you like please. PLEASE stop comparing me with anybody else.
if you cant become the mother i wish to have, don’t force me to become a daughter that i cant be.
do you know how much i envy some girls, who can go shopping with their mom. who can laugh and talk.
where the mom will give hugs and kisses.
i know you aren’t like that, which is also why i never force you to be one.

i’m not that bad, am i?
i did not smoke, i did not do drugs, and i can’t even drink.
all i do is go out with my friends because they make me laugh, they make me happy.
there’s a reason why i never like to stay at home.
every time you saw me, you find faults in what i did or what i did not do.

mom, i’m a human.
human make mistakes and sometimes all i did is i forgot to take my hanging clothes from the bathroom.
i forgot, not that i don’t want to.

why can you forgot to turn off the gas stove and i cant forgot about things?
you cant blame me for loving dad more .he never compare me with anyone, he never said any harsh words like you did.
i’m the best for him but yet, for you i’m the worst.

i don’t know what kind of a person i am to you. never dare to ask anyway.
you might think that i’m those happy go lucky girl who never gives a shit about anything, who only knows how to go out and hang out with friends, do shits with friends and whatnot.
im an emo girl, i doubt if you even know that.
i cry a lot and most of the time, i can turn to no one but friends. i doubt if you know that too.

you always seems like you dislike me a lot.
i sometimes wonder, will you be a tad bit happier if i’m gone.
i remember you once said, take a bigger knife and cut yourself, small ones cant kill you..
i remember it till this very day. i remember every single shit you say to me.

it’s like, i wanted to say good morning to you.
but sometimes, i don’t even feel like talking to you anymore.
i guess you’ve no idea how much hurt you bring to me.

and you know what, i have the urge to show this to your bf so he can let you know, how exactly i am feeling.
i’ll never say all this straight to your face, i’ll probably cry till i cant say a single word.

and i too remember, you said.. i cry because i want people to sympathize me.
no mom, that is because i cant control my tears.
i don’t need anyone’s sympathy.