People always tell me that I’ve got no confidence in myself.
That I’ve got to change my thinking.
That I think too much.

Yes. I’m a troubled kid.
Little things make me feel tension. Paranoid.
and also that stupid ADHD -attention deficit hyperactive disorder shit.

Sometimes I wonder and asked myself, what the shit is wrong with me.
It is always easier said than done.
And no, I’m not trying to use this as an excuse. It is never easy.

Its like, ‘hey, you really need to change your thinking….’
Yah, like I don’t know about it.
And exactly, have you really been in that phase?

You thought I was born like that?
There’s times where I have confident in myself. I know the piece of art i draw will be stick on the board outside of the class. I know I’m gonna get good grades. I did have confidence in myself.

But unfortunately things don’t stay that way.
I didn’t lose my confidence just like that. Its not like I woke up one day and hey, my confidence is gone.
It is that my family members never agreed on the things I do, or I wanted to do especially my mom.
She can even forget that I once was a number one student in class. She said, ‘Don’t lie, you number one?’
And why she didn’t know it is because my dad is the one who went to took my report card.
Maybe she didn’t mean it, maybe her ego makes her say all this kind of stuff.
And it’s not like I wanted to blame her, but it just affected me since small.

It’s like no matter if I’m truly right or wrong, to her I am wrong. Anything I did is wrong.
How can my confidence level not go down, I ask you.
Not once, not twice but years. I’m dealing with all these for years.
And sometimes even my brother do that to me, calling me stupid.
Not now, but last time. And it already affected me.

Don’t tell me, ‘it’s just the way you think’.
Because I’m gonna tell you, it’s not as easy as that. I can assure you.
You haven’t been through what I been through and don’t tell me you understand how I feel because you obviously don’t and you’re not me.

‘Why is she so emo?’ ‘Why is she always like that?’
You’ll get to know why when you go through everything I went through since small.
Like seriously don’t come and tell me you understand.
Unless you lost your dad which happen to be the one who love you the most. Unless you lost your dad and at the same time your mom doesn’t agree on anything you do plus steps on you all the time. Unless you have financial problems all the time to the extend where you’ve got no money to pay for the fees. Unless you go through a breakup from someone you love so much, who happens to be the only one you ever love. Unless suicidal thoughts came to your mind again and again.

Unless, everything I said above is add together. Or else stop saying that you understand!
‘And why is she so desperate in need of love?’
You’ll get to understand that too when you cant feel any family love.
You know when I’m in a relationship, I feel really secure.
Like when my dad’s here, I feel really secure too. I need that feeling that my dad made me feel.
How do you even understand that, I’ve got no idea.

I’m not blaming my mom. my dad, my bro or whoever.
I just sometimes hope that you people need to understand that it’s not that I didn’t want to be a little bit more confident or whatsoever, but seriously it’s a lot, a whole lot more tougher than what you guys think.
I know I’m not as lucky as most of my friends are, but at the same time I’m lucky enough to still have my mom, brothers and friends.

Just appreciate whatever you have now and sometimes really, stop whining about how your parents this and that. At least you still have both your parents.
And now I’m trying not to fight with my mom anymore. At least I still have her.
Sometimes people just don’t know how bless they are to have what they have now, including me.

This morning I came home, mom’s at the living room.
I hate myself for not saying anything every time I came home.
I wanted to say good morning to here but it’s as if someone zip my mouth or something.
I’ll try again next time. I don’t like the idea of me coming home and not even calling her.
We do not have this habit, but I’ll change it.

Again, I am not emotional.
I just want you people to understand whatever you can and don’t see me as though I am a stubborn girl not willing to change myself for a better me.
I am trying, very very hard.

I don’t mean to be emotional. I don’t mean to lost my patience. I don’t mean to be hot-tempered.
Please just bear with me.
.. if you could.

you seriously make me feel stupid.
and stop stepping on me anymore.
just because i keep quiet, doesn’t mean you’re allow to.

from now on, i’m not gonna care whatever that will happen in your life again.
i’ve been trying my best not to make you feel unhappy.
trying to make things calm.

but now. i’m not gonna adjust to you ever again.
there’s a reason why i doubt things you said earlier on.
that’s the way you work things, but it aint my way.
so you carry on with your way.

i’m not gonna give a flying fuck.
stop destroying my mood!
you make me feel sad. you jeopardize our friendship and relationship.

very well.

你说: 等我.
我说: 我等. 我一定等你.

但, 为什么你没回来找我?
你忘了我们的承诺, 是吗?
你忘了我, 是吗?

你一去也再没回来了.

this week started off as a hell for me.
as i said earlier, holiday turned me into a rather lazy girl.

a lazy girl bombarded with plenty of assignments equals to *^$@&#*#&@^&@ *dut dut dut* !!
but my hardworking spirit *cheh* came back after a day.
its not that bad after all and now I’m so use to it.

waking up so early almost everyday.
discussions for hours and hours till evening.
nap for only an hour.
and go to bed earlier than usual.
sangat ber-routine, hah!

***
my lecturer asked us a question in the class the other day.
‘who had been in love before?’
some of the students raised up their hands. i did not.
i cant tell you why i did not raise up my hand, cause i myself do not know why either.

she asked for the second time.
‘who had been in love before?’
and more students response by raising up their hands this time, including myself.

she then asked another question.
‘whose heart had been broken before?’
i looked at her. i took a glimpse at those around me.
once again students raise up their hands.
i then raised up mine slowly, feeling rather stone because i wasn’t expecting my lecturer asking all these kind of questions in the class.

then she told us.
‘those who had their heart broken are those who love passionately.’

she once interviewed a drug addict.
she described this drug addict with a word.
skinny.
almost fleshless, what’s left is only bones wrapped by his skin.

then she told us how this drug addict inject himself.
i’ve got no idea how he did it but what she said was, he leaned on the wall, pushed himself into the needle, poking through his feet.
not on any part of his body but his feet.

heart-wrenching.
i know if i’m there to witness this scene, i’ll cry.

she asked him, what is the reason he did drugs.
and he answered, the girl he love left him.

my heart literally stopped for a moment.
‘those who had their heart broken, if they are painter they no longer paint, if they are writer they no longer write.’

this story just hit me somewhere. somehow.
i feel really sad for him.

love. can be the best thing yet the worst.
seems like. it can lift you up to heaven yet it can push you down to hell.

so beautiful .yet so ugly.

am i risking my undramatic life i asked myself.
am i risking all the peace i have right now, all the happiness i have right now.

are all these risks worth taking.

what if it repeats again?
full with hatred. full with anger. full with arguments and fights. full with tears.
and the heart broke into a million of pieces again, like the scar ain’t deep enough.

i told myself, no. do not take the risks.
but isn’t it funny how i feel that you’re the only one i feel like sharing my everything.
anything that happened in my life, my ups and downs. and vice versa despite the dramas we used to have.

only bestfriend.
i dare not think.

***
there’s stuff that bothers me.
stuff that makes me think, makes me worried, unsure of what to do.
i feel so annoyed these few days.

might be pms. might not wtf.
i do not like to hurt.
bye