I usually break down over two things.
My father who is no longer here or a person I couldn’t get over.

But today it is because of myself.
I just subscribed to Masterclass and the first class I took is Sara’s Blakely entrepreneur class.
‘Ask yourself, what are you good at?’ This question came up again and again, and I asked myself repeatedly. I got so frustrated and all I could say out loud was ‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM GOOD AT!’

I really don’t. I honestly think there is nothing that I am good at besides crying wtf. That, I can be a fucking champion. I am not the smartest kid in school, not the brightest child at home, definitely not the most discipline and hardworking person. I am neither of those.

I promised my dad when he passed that I will get 5As for UPSR and I only got 2. When PMR came I told myself, ‘there is your second chance’ and I got another 2As. SPM came, my third chance and I got 3As. 4 years studying for a degree with a 50k loan on my back, I got an A for my last semester. Consolation much.

I’ve only work as a brand coordinator for half a year after I graduated and after that it was all random freelance job. Selling liquor, selling cigarettes, giving out fliers because I was always chasing for money. Of all the relationship I had, my worst relationship is with money. Everyone was building their career, setting up their life for a good future and there I was just chasing quick money for myself to spend.

The most I have achieved for myself was to become a barista in Melbourne. The proudest thing I’ve done was to work 30 days straight, eight to twelve hours long of standing each day. I was happy and I love truly love my job but today it no longer feels the same. Nothing feels the same anymore.

31 years old and I am just so clueless right now I feel like I have absolute no control over my life. I don’t know how to make it work and it hurts me to know that all these while I’ve just been a headless chicken, not knowing what I’m chasing. Perhaps all these years I was trying to prove to my mom I am not useless like how she thinks I am but today I realise, I really am pretty useless.

I don’t know what I am good at. I have no direction. And maybe it comes to a point where I don’t even know what I love doing anymore.

Today is such a long day for me which involved a lot of moving.
I finally say goodbye to my cafe and agreed on ending the contract. As I pack up and move things from cafe back to home, I also moved props from home to tomorrow’s event venue. When I was young, I never quite believe the saying that says ‘everything happens for a reason’. But as I grew older and as I see how my life unfold, it is indeed hard not to believe that everything do happen for a reason. This could very well be a good example of when one door closes, another opens.

For a long time, I kept saying that there is nothing else that I know how to do besides coffee. Maybe a little bit of photography but I am very well aware that I am a rookie so I don’t think I can turn it into a career. Unlike most of my peers who go straight into working in corporate and in an office environment, I took a very different path. From the start, I was never willing to work overtime with no extra pay and funnily enough most jobs that come out of my major do require a fair bit of overtime. I don’t know, I was always striving for that so called work life balance. I can trade in my time only when I can get money in return. And honestly, in event and advertising company you do not really get overtime pay. That’s how I turned into a freelance girl and for a long time, I was just working as a freelancer. I was young so it didn’t matter to me even though at times I was selling cigarettes during the day and alcohol during the night. It didn’t bother me one bit but at the same time I was also aware that I cannot be a freelancer forever.

My way out was leaving for Melbourne and found my passion in coffee making. It wasn’t just so much about coffee, it was also about running a cafe. I enjoyed every bit of F&B and even if I work crazy long hours and stand for 10 hours I was happy with my job. I can never sit in an office for 8 hours a day and get all sorts of stress. I would much rather talk to my customers, make them coffees, and see their happy faces. I finally found something I really like but the dynamic was different compared to working in Melbourne and back here. I had a bunch of very good team mates who I can go crazy with but work so well together at the same time, who can always talk coffee with me. Here, I was always alone. I have to care about numbers and so much more which I was not used to and in time it because a JOB. A means to earn my income and sometimes it really is just that. It does seems like there’s no better time than now to take a step back from coffee and slowly evaluate on how I can work with coffee again in the future. Perhaps a couple months of break will do me good. Coffee means a lot to me because it totally changed my life.

To think of it, I’ve always love coffee since I was a kid. I never fancy chocolate. I always go for coffee flavour when it comes to cake and ice-cream. But right now while I take a break, I would very much like to focus on my new found venture. Something I never knew that I could do! I never knew that my love for art and craft can one day possibly turn into a job although that was one of my dream when I was young. My love for gifting and surprises can now finally put to good use!
Sometimes people say to me, ‘you are such an entrepreneur’. But actually I’m just a doer. Whenever someone tell me of a plan I’ll just say, ‘do lah!’ If it doesn’t involve too much money to start it up, I’ll just do it.
Because if I were to spend so much time working for someone else and building their empire, I might as well try and build my own. Even if I fail, I have zero regrets because I learned shit loads. Me being calculative over working hours and pay turned me into having an entrepreneur mind, that is all I can say. How great haha.`

Fingers crossed for tomorrow’s event! :)

Dear young Peggy,

I am the 30 years old version of yourself and I am writing this letter to you while sitting at your future cafe (gasp!). As I look out the window, guess what I saw? A rainbow!
Feels like the universe is trying to tell me something. I know if you were to open this letter and read it, you wouldn’t believe most part of it because you are stubborn, believing that you know better but regardless, here’s a few pieces of advice for you.
At the very least what I can tell you is that life didn’t gnaw away your soul slowly, you still pretty much get excited over things so simple.

First and foremost, girl you need to CALM DOWN and take things slow. Train your patience, that’s what I am telling you.
You have all the time and youth in the world, don’t rush into things not worth rushing in to. Take your time to decide the future path you want to walk on. Instead of choosing the easiest or safest route, just go all out and pick the route that you really desire even if it is a route less traveled. I know that you fear failure the most because you are so hard on yourself but as cliche as this may sound, failure really is the road to success.
Fail while you’re still young, fall, get scratches but get back up. You can be right when you’re old but right this moment, be young, be you, be free and even be wrong.
So go explore options and explore the world.

In your life dictionary, fairness is something you really care too much about but I hope you understand sooner rather than later that life is fair to everyone because it is unfair to everyone.
Everyone has a path that they are destine to go through and comparing yourself or your life with others, questioning why is it so unfair to you wont benefit you in any sense.
If comparing you must, compare yourself with the you yesterday. Are you better than the you a year ago?
You care too much about what people say about you but you really don’t have to because what people say about you says more about them than yourself. Why take in the unnecessary negativity when you can divert your energy to bettering yourself.
If they don’t pay your bills or feed you full, what they say do not matter.
As hard as this might sound to you, be a drama free girl my dear otherwise you will go through a lot of heartbreak on top of HEARTBREAKS.

Everything has it’s own time frame, it’s own expiry date so you need to learn to let go when the time comes. I know it will be so hard for you, and cry if you must but don’t dwell on it for too long. New things wont be able to come into your life if you don’t make space by leaving old baggage behind. In your context, if a relationship doesn’t last till the end of time, until one of you passes it means that the love you once had wasn’t true and that you have fail once again in this thing call love. But slowly you will learn that all the love you once had, even if it didn’t last forever are true at one point of your life. As human, we never stop growing and evolving so it makes perfect sense that in different stages of our life we will find a different ‘the one’. We can only hope that when we finally are mature enough, we could meet the final ‘the one’ whom will walk with us till the end of time. You love a little too hard but it doesn’t mean you know how to love rightly. You give all that you can give and that’s where you go wrong, you almost even give up your identity. You slowly lose your sense of self and your relationship defines you. This is by no means the right way to love, you gotta learn.

You also often doubt yourself so much that it becomes self sabotaging which are build ups from the negativity and disapproval around you while you were growing up but I hope you know that it really doesn’t define who you really are. At the end of the day, we came to this world alone and will leave this world alone so if you don’t start by loving yourself, no one will. You never knew what self love is, only self harm and I hope you find a way to let it all go because even when it is not at the back of your head it is actually buried deep down inside your heart and you need to find a way to get rid of it. Face your demon, make peace with it and let it go. It may stay dormant deep inside the cave but like a volcano, you don’t really know when it will erupt.

At the end of the day, just know that you are strong enough to go through it all. Go through the pain and you will grow through the hardship. Don’t give up on yourself and don’t give up on love. Before I end this letter, one last important message to you is that please learn how to forgive. Learn how to forgive people who hurt you in the past and learn how to forgive yourself for all the ‘wrong’ choices you made. Forgive the ones you love(d), forgive the ones you hate(d), forgive yourself, and forgive Universe for all the pain and life will definitely get better from then on.

Know that at the very least, I will always have your back and be there for you no matter what. Signing out now…

The smell of my room signifies a fresh start.
The smell of my room brings back the memories of my youthful days, days when I was living life as the second version of myself.
Each version signifies a big change, I’m on my fourth now.

I’m gonna enjoy this smell while it last, the smell of new IKEA furnitures, the smell of university days.
The smell of a lost girl who parties every week.
The smell of a new beginning, the smell of new found freedom, and the smell of new love.