Dad

It’s me.

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I know I have been neglecting my blog ever since I came to Melbourne and I’m sorry for that if you’re hoping for a post or two.
Tonight I needed this space for me to pour my heart out to my dad.
Dear blog, I do miss you. The place that never fail to let me rant whenever I want, the place that I get to upload tons of photos and the place where I archive my memories. :)

Dear Baba,

I’m sorry I couldn’t visit you with mami and the brothers tomorrow.
Haha I don’t even know why am I such a crybaby, typing the first sentence already made me cry.
In 15 years this is the second time I am missing Ching Ming and both times, I’m in Melbourne.
I really wish to join them tomorrow and be the one to wipe your picture like how I’ve done so in the previous years.
I used to write you letters every year and secretly put it in that box which was meant to burn for you.
And in each letter I never fail to share with you which guy I like at that very moment, on who he is and how I really like him. Each time things never seem to turn out right with those guys and at one point I thought to myself, maybe you don’t approve of them hence why things never seems right. So I stopped writing you letters, letters that I was suppose to write to you once every year because I don’t want you to disapprove of the guys. That was the funny way I used to think while I was young. And true enough when I stopped writing you letters my relationship lasted for 3 years.
Thinking back right now, all these are nonsense. I was so young I don’t even know what I was thinking. I miss writing you letters, why did I stop doing that?
I couldn’t write you a real letter this year as much as I want to, so I’d assume with the no-limit-credit-card and huge chunks of money we burn for you, you’ll get yourself a laptop or ipad and some unlimited data. So I’ll assume that you will read this, okay?

I’ve changed from asking why you had to leave me so early to appreciating that 12 years of memories you gave to me. I know I am so lucky to at least have 12 years of memories and love from you compared to those who do not know their father or parents at all.
They say time heals everything. Yes, time does make things better. Time does heal but I’ll say, just a tiny bit.
Just like my finger, it looks okay from the outside but a scar will forever be there. I don’t feel the intense pain anymore compared to 8 months ago but whenever I accidentally hit it, the pain is still unbearable. My finger is still very sensitive to touch just like my bruised heart.

A small part of me died when you left and I know you wouldn’t want to see me this unhappy. I know you’ll be sad seeing me cry and grief and that makes me even sadder.
I may not have done my best to things I promised you like excelling in academics but I hope you will understand that I really am not born for this. I know you always mentioned to me how important studies are and that you wish that both me and brother will study hard because you couldn’t.
Dad I took interest in something else, I now love to cook and I so hope that you’re here to taste my food and give me feedbacks. It breaks my heart because there are so many things that I wish to share with you but I couldn’t.
I wish that I can always fall into your arms whenever I feel upset over my relationship, my friendship, my hardship but fact is I can’t.

I miss you so god damn much and as I continue with my life, building more memories I am so very afraid that my memories with you will slowly fade away. This scares me to no end as memories is the only thing I have of you right now.
I hope that you will enjoy some family time with mom and brothers tomorrow. I promise the next time I visit you, I’ll cook you some food.

I don’t know why I love you so much.
Please be my father my next life, I don’t want anybody else.

From your crybaby girl.

Yesterday’s sky teared while I teared.

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Went to Nilai Memorial Park yesterday to visit daddy after work.
The sky wasn’t sunny, not at all.
It was cloudy all the way and I like it that way, I thought I can just sit beside daddy and not do anything, not think of anything.
Just sit and enjoy the wind.

Prayed at the temple before looking for dad, that’s what my mom always do every year.
And every year we do not know exactly the location of daddy because we always cant seem to remember the number lot.
Forever searching for it and of course, this time too.
In fact, even worse cause I cant remember as clearly as my mom.

Tried looking for it at the first piece of land but nope, just doesn’t feel like it.
Went over to the second piece of land.
We both searched high and low. I was feeling anxious.
I cant seem to find my dad. I was looking all around and I feel so goddamn lost for a moment.
Like a lost kid looking for parent. But indeed I am, just in a different way.

I thought I saw dad’s, I ran to it only to find out I was wrong.
I was so upset I couldn’t find my dad.
Then I look further and I ran again and there he is.
I stood there stoning. A mixture of intense happiness and sadness mix together.
So happy that I finally found him yet so sad, I’m standing in front of a grave.
I just stand there crying while the rain starts pouring. Exactly at the same time.

What a scene. Looked for Ben to tell him I found daddy.
Start lighting up joss stick and burning while it continues to rain.
Suddenly, it just seems so sad. And it’s just so hard to burn everything while it rains.
Cant help but cry and cry in front of daddy. Never dare cry in front of family whenever I visit daddy, I’m afraid they might get upset too.
Sometimes it’s just so hard to hold back my tears, that’s why I keep asking my mom when can I actually eat so that I get distracted.

I wish to sit there for a while but not able to, thanks to the rain.
*
Thanks for bringing me, it means so much.
Thanks for taking the time and effort. Thanks for going to such a place with me.
Hope daddy likes you.

But before that, hope my very-cool-mummy likes you first.

The Eleventh Year

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Pap, I’m doing fine.
Really really fine except for being like a little lost girl sometimes not knowing which path should I take for my future career.
I just can’t seem to find something that interest me at the moment.
I really wish you’re here to guide me through life’s decision and difficulties.

This year it’ll be different from the previous ones.
So much more different.
I’ll be visiting you for the very first time, not on a ‘ching ming’ day without mom and brothers but someone else.

If life is according to plan, I wont be able to be there with mom during ‘ching ming’ and I don’t wanna miss the chance of visiting you once a year.
I’ll be there in a bit.

Missing you dearly daddy.
From your little girl.

fuck cancer

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is malaysia’s weather killing you yet?
it definitely is killing me softly hotly. omgbbq!

i wanted to switch on my air-con but mom keeps stressing about the electric bill.
as her lousy daughter, all i can do is to help her save some money and continue to sweat like a pig.
i feel as if i’m inside an oven typing this out. maximum hotness.

anyway. finally here’s my tattoo pictures.
it has been almost a week. the tattoo is no longer pain, but it itches like mad now.

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* i keep pinching and pinching the pillow i’m hugging…

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* …because tattooing on the feet is effing x10 pain!

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* so pain till i go ‘eh eh stop. i cannot already. WAH WHY SO PAIN ONE?’ T______T

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* this picture very hard to take one you know. almost all the time i was in pain. boo

and here is my swollen pig’s feet.
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* TADAA! wtf! now you get what i mean by swollen? i kid you not. LOOK how serious it is. the pain, omg. i’ll let you do the imagination.

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* and there. now my feet is back to normal size.

that’s a cancer ribbon and the colour is teal.
which means liver cancer.
which is what took my dad away from me.
the date where he left us. and the date where his pain left him.

fuck cancer.

edited:
right. almost forget to mention.
i did it at blackcat sunway by kevin.
he’s real good .he puts in a lot of heart and effort while tattooing.
he did it slow and nice.
such small ribbon, he uses three colours.
he’s good. tattoo artist from blackcat is good.
their work are very nicely down. :)

ok. byebye

3am. the tenth year

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3.24 am right now.
i went to catch a very hilarious movie with my friends. Old Dog.
and i’m glad that i did not stay at home.

it helps.
but now that i’m finally home, typing this.
it creeps into my mind again.

i thought i wouldn’t feel that much pain since it’s already the tenth.
but i’m wrong. i feel even worse.

exactly ten years ago. at this hour. you left.
remember how i lean on the bed. holding your hand ever so tightly and called you.
‘ba ba’

fuck. i’m not even finish and i’m already crying. fml
well fine. i don’t know what to say anymore.
wish you were here. as always.

dad. i’m pretty fine.
i hope you’re doing good too.
i’m getting a tattoo tomorrow.

it says.
fuck cancer.

in my dream .you’re back

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after so long. dad finally came into my dream again last night.
after so so long. i’ve been missing him so much.

a lot of times when i dream of my dad .it is about him coming back home.
like finally he’s back home again after like what. ten years.
same goes to yesterday’s dream. he came back home.

i guess i really want him back so much.
in my dream, the first thing i do when i saw him in the house is run over to him.
and hug him .and cry.
i don’t know how long i actually hugged him, because i remember i didn’t want to let go.
i didn’t want him to leave me. and i keep crying and crying.

it’s like every time, a part of me know that i am dreaming.
and that’s why i try to make him stay as long as i could.
but dreams are always short. and in the end i have to wake up to this reality.
dad’s gone once again.

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dad. i’m a lot taller now.

it will be ten years very soon. but until today i’m still crying like he just leave me yesterday.
please appear more in my dreams. come home more. i miss you.

cry for the second time of the year. damn.

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