How do you spend your Christmas eve?
How do I spend my Christmas eve?

I went over to Starbucks. Alone.
Ordered a hot Caramel Macchiato, sit down, and looked around. My eyes are searching for something, I am searching for something. I try to look around and see if there is anyone alone too, just so that if there is any, I know that I’m not the only one being alone which somehow makes me a little more calm.
But none. No one is alone except me. How pathetic.

I brought over two books. One for me to write and another for me to read. I scribble every thoughts down and when I’m done, I shift to the other book and start reading. This is how I spend my Christmas eve.
I just sit there alone, seeing people come and go.

Well, there are a lot of things I wanna say at first but on second thought, it is not needed. I try to pass the message, but I guess I fail miserably again. Its been quite a number of times already, I keep failing. All my messages seems to vanish somehow. Did you get me? Did you get my god damn message? I’m not talking about sms, in case you misunderstood. Do I need to fucking (sorry) draw the person together with the intestine? (Its somekind of Chinese idiom.)
Stupid shit, just let me use the word fuck.

Do you know what fucking day is today?
Why when I’m on the verge of recovering, there is always things like this that will pull me down again?

I went home really late just now. Somehow when I am walking back home, I wish that I die all of a sudden. Freak, I know.
Don’t bring me back to the stage where I keep thinking of dying, can?
You know I am like that. You know I am fucking emo, to the extend where I get so fucking annoyed at my own emo-ness I feel like slapping myself, damn it. Fucking sucks to be me, anyone wanna trade?

I wont be emo for 24/7 but when I am emo, my thinking can go fucking extreme. Please god, when can you stop doing this to me? I don’t wanna blame but I just want that tiny weeny bit of happiness, I just wanna borrow that few hours, or maybe even one hour will do, why cant I have it? If its so hard for me to have that tiny happiness, you might as well take away my bloody life.

I feel so fucking unwell now, all I want is to go to bed.
Sometimes, somethings when you don’t do it now, you can never do it later. Somethings are already too late. Too late, really.
(But then again, I’m a weak person. Most of the time when I have firm thinking, I always cant do what I say. I don’t wanna care, fuck I still care. I don’t wanna talk, fuck I still talk. Wheres my determination?
Heck care. Whats on my mind right now is that everything is too late now.

I don’t wanna pass any message anymore. You cannot decode it, no point.
Sigh, never mind I’ll just take it as my problem, maybe I’m fucking bad at encoding.
Whether its your problem or mine, I’m tired. I need a break.

Merry Christmas people. Merry Christmas.
Its 3.18 am now, I’m off to bed.

P/S: I really struggle for a while thinking if I should say it all here. Some things are better left unsaid, but is this one of those? Do I make the right decision this time? I tried, I fail. I try again, I fail again. I don’t know, but I’m really tired.

Oh ya, since Christmas sucks, I bet my Chinese New Year and Valentines Day will sucks max too. Hooray.