i cried.
first time of the year.

the song that is currently playing brought me to tears.
how the lyrics exactly describe the me back then. how very me.
all the memories came flashing back.

so vivid.
so vivid that my tears started rolling down . my heart ache.
no. not that kind of ‘you broke my heart into a million of pieces’ kind of shit heartache.
no. this is not some lovey dovey shit.

you know how when you watch a movie.
when the story goes perfectly fine .how so beautifully written and in a split second .tragedy hits.
that kind of heart ache.

the feeling of disappointment. i never in my life feel this disappointed before.
so very disappointed till i cry.

my friend disappoint me. a friend who i use to grow up together with.
who changed so much. from good to bad. from bad to worse.
from someone who is so like-able. to someone that you can hardly find a thing to like about.

i asked myself why. why did you turn into such a person.
am i to blame? am i the cause of your suffering?
a part of it yes. but to come to think of it .what resulted me in causing your suffering?
i guess you know it better than i do.

all the memories. so sweet yet so bitter.
it hurts to see a friend like you turning into a person like such.
are you truly happy?
you’re living in your own world. you shut your real self away.
you pretend. right?

i don’t know if you’re feeling sad. but me seeing you acting this way.
definitely made me tear.
it feels like. i lost a close friend. a very close friend.
not a very good feeling i must say.

i’m stupid enough to say all this. stupid enough to cry. stupid enough to feel upset.
but since i’m already that stupid. so just let me finish this.
stop doing that anymore. bring back the old you.

i hope my post did slap you hard. wake up already.
go. breakdown and cry. and lock this not-so-new you into a dark box .and bring back your old self.

i can only do this much.
i’m not gonna go any closer. i cant.
and im not willing to put myself out .just to get myself all hurt again.

really. there’s no more trust left. no more love.
there’s only this much.
you take care. friend.