It is the last day of 2018, are you ready to welcome a new year with open arms?
I do normally get a tad too sentimental towards the end of the year or cant wait for it to move along when my year is being all kinds of shitty but this year I feel neither.
Like, ‘oh it’s the last day of the year, cool’ kind of feeling.
For someone who feels too much, it caught me by surprise that I am not feeling anything on this day.
Weird huh?

So I was half watching a Youtube video, (wasn’t really concentrating) and I was suggested that I list out the following to welcome 2019.

1. What are you grateful for in 2018?
In 2018, I am grateful for chances.
I am so very grateful for all the chances that I was given, all the help and suggestions from people around me.
I am grateful for the fact that there are people around me who celebrate my small wins, who feel proud of me when at times I don’t see a single thing in me to be proud of.
I am grateful for the generosity shown to me be it in terms of monetary, time, knowledge, emotional support or physical help.
I am grateful for people who see the potential in me, who thinks that I can do something bigger and that I really should.
I am grateful that a part of me opened up to the possibility of reaching my full potential self. I am grateful for being healthy and just being alive. I am grateful to myself even, to have stumbled upon videos that changed me and grateful to myself for working towards a better self.
I am grateful for having my mom and my brother.
I am grateful to the universe for being kind to me, and I am so very grateful for today.
And of course, I am grateful for all my returning customers. Let’s not forget about them.

2. What were your wins in 2018?
My wins in 2018; my biggest win is no other than me opening my first cafe and making it happen without a business partner. That still surprise me every now and then and surreal is the word.
On par with my biggest win is that I am already planning for my second cafe and fingers crossed that it will carry out smoothly.
Towards the last quarter of the year I had a lot of little wins like setting up a morning routine and following it on most days. (Been going a little off track these 2 weeks and I blame it on the holiday season.)
Instilling the habit of reading is also one of my small wins and to top that off I manage to finish reading a few books before the year ends.
I also went for hiking a few times and conquered a few kilometers each round, so this is definitely a win seeing that I used to say NO to hiking. Like I thought I hated it but now I kinda like it.
Adding to my small wins I manage to cut down on my rice intake (which is a huge deal), I went to networking event and actually build up the courage to approach people, I went to Penang and Bangkok alone (like I see taking a bus to Penang as a win HAHA), I look younger than my real age (WIN), I designed and built my business website, made a couple of quick bucks here and there, and finally cast my vote for election.
And lastly a small but important win which was crucial to my well being was that I finally decided to forgive and I made it a point to put my message across.

3. What were your lessons learned?
Ohhh I’m a big learner but sometimes I’m a learner who never learn if that makes sense.
I learned a fair bit this year but thank God not in a tremendously heartbreaking way.
I learned that my closest friend, someone whom I’ve been friends with for more than 10 years can drop my ass (figuratively, mind you) just like that, without a notice or warning. I learned that people can claim that they care or maybe they do when not presented with a better option but at the end of the day it could just be nothing more than alphabet formed words. You can be friends so close that you hang out few days a week and yet out of a sudden not a single ‘how are you or how’s your business’ was to be heard. I was shocked, I wondered, I questioned and then I got over it. It is just what it is. At the age of 30 I learned that not all friendship last a lifetime and that’s okay. At a point in time two person cared enough to keep the friendship going, putting in effort and one day for whatever reason one of the party will decide to stop working on it anymore. You could very well continue watering it with effort but sooner or later you will realise that no friendship or relationship can work one sided. What happens next? You raise your white flag, surrender and let it wilt and die. Even if it miraculously survive, it will never be the same again and with this lesson I appreciate true friends even more.
I also learned that people are full of their own agenda and that some can be very manipulative. Well actually I do know this, just that at times I don’t remember that human beings can be the scariest among all living things. So I gotta relearn this again and again. They show you what you want to see, speak words that you want to hear to get what benefits them even if it is an act of malice.
People lie not because they want to protect your feelings but because they want to protect their ass, it is that simple.
This year I learned the meaning of priority. Besides setting my own priority and actually having a priority, I also need to know that if I am somebody else’s priority. Because if I am not and it is affecting me, I am out. Don’t make someone your priority if you’re not theirs, plain and simple.

I didn’t only learn lessons but I also learn more about myself.
That there could be more than one layer of myself.
Just awhile back I had a minor breakdown while I was on the phone, talking to someone whom I’ve never met. I’m not sure if the person on the other line was taken aback by me but I sure was.
I was just putting out my feelings saying that I somehow felt that I am not doing enough especially after coming home from Johor because I kinda broke my routine and momentum was almost non existent. Also due to year end holiday, business has been slow. Couple it with the fact that I started spending more and justifying it by saying that it is sales season (meaning no better time to get CNY’s stuff than now) didn’t exactly help either. Guilt started to creep in on me, like I fail myself.
A part of me know that I can do better in every sense of my life but at the same time I don’t know why am I not doing it. Even by wanting to say ‘I feel tired’ or ‘I am tired’ sends in the guilt because if I am honest with myself, the result doesn’t tally. So as I blab, I teared and sobbed while simultaneously wondering why I got emotional all of the sudden.

Perhaps it could be the lonely journey that I am going through, business wise and the stress sometimes pile on me making it hard to cope.
It also seems like there’s no one I could talk to because back then I just blab out my feelings to whoever but these days I kinda feel like I am feeling fine and doing fine. However it could also be me suppressing negative thoughts and emotions deep down, I am not even sure. Also, not everyone understands so I really don’t bother holding that conversation but in a way that stranger friend of mine that I was talking to made me feel like he gets me so I just let it all out and be a cry baby for a couple of minutes.

Some monsters, you don’t even know it is there and once it is awaken you have no choice but to fight it.
I learned that I have a monster in within me and I am still figuring out what’s the best way to deal with it.
Fight it or tame it. Destroy it or embrace it.

2018 is a very different year, a very special one to say the least.
I had a lot of people coming in and out of my life, making a pit stop but I also made a few close friends that has taught me things and supported me.
2018, farewell to you and thank you for all the great chances thrown at me, all the invaluable advises and lessons, all the new friendships I made, all the old friendships that I am still keeping, and finally thank you for cancelling some friendship subscription that is no longer working out.
Throughout my life there’s a lot of years that I cant quite recall, nothing too significant but 2018 will definitely be added to my list of ‘unforgettable years’.
Thank you and goodbye, next.

P.S. 2019 will be a year to go big or go home.